Words are so Conclusive

A blog you can check forever.

2011-06-03T01:38:00.000-07:00

This is a definitive.
This will be here forever.
If I wanted
I could try to advertise this
and it would be public.
Even though
it is already public.
I could publicize it
and make this public-er.
Some people
might even read this
without me
asking.
Do you care about me?
Or do you care about what I do?
Or do you care about what I write?
Or do you care THAT I write?
Or do you care that I write about writing?
Or do you care that you're being addressed?
Or do you care that I am addressing you?
Or do you think you're the only one reading?
Or is no one reading?
Or are you not going to comment
so I think no one is reading?
Or even if you want to comment, what would you say?
At this point, it shows a lot.
At this point, do I even want to post this?
What was my point?
Anyway,
And in case you decided to read this,
In case my publicist didn't tell me to delete this,
Know that there's more.

Harold and Josh go to the Civil War?

2009-04-30T15:23:00.000-07:00

This was my dream last night:

We (myself and my friend Justin) go back in time.
Oh no, we're in the past!
on a field.
there's a barn.
There's an old white guy. I guess he's probably played by Neil Patrick Harris.
And omg, he has bongs and bubblers and pipes!
We go outside
We're way out of place! How are we supposed to act?
'Just pretend like you're in the movie Old Yeller'
Oh, okay!

*hole in plot*

He's hosting a dinner and we're invited!
But oh no, we don't know how to act, because we're clearly out of place
Find Darryl from the office - Craig Robinson
He and Tracy Morgan are happy slaves who live on the plantation
He's the cool smart one and Tracy Morgan's the "YES MAS'AH" one
Craig is with his wife asking NPH to be included at the banquet; he and his wife.
NPH says no.
I go up to him.
"Alright man, I don't wanna freak you out, but we're from the future, about 150 years. You gotta help us get through this dinner."
"That's cool man."
"And don't worry about this slavery thing, it eventually all works out."
"Yeah man, I know."
"Wait, are you from the future too??"
"No, but I saw that 'obama' pin on your backpack"
... there's a better joke in there somewhere, but that's how I dreamed it.
"Listen, I'll help you fit in. You get me into that white devil's banquet, and just follow my lead."
No problem.
"And get my boy Tracy Morgan in there too." - I don't know if he was called that, but it was implied he had a character name.
No problem. - And I'll just refer to him as Tracy Morgan anyway.

Go up to Tracy Morgan.
Hey, you want to come to the banquet dinner tonight?
"That sounds OSS-UM!" "You should talk to (Craig Robinson)!!"
Already did. He told us to talk to you.
"HAY! You guys are SMART!"
sure!

*somehow we get NPH to let the guys into the banquet. And Craig's wife.*

Awkward dinner. Though secretly awesome.

Something about smoking pot.

Where's Tracy?

cut to Tracy walking around the house singing:
"it's so WOOONNDDEERFUUUULL ... woooooonderfuuuulll!"

And then I woke myself up because it was clearly too ridiculous and I was late for work.

But if the movie continued, Craig and Tracy would probably execute some sort of plan that blew up the plantation. We'd be stoned, and on the run. And run into a battle or two, Abraham Lincoln, and find a time machine to get back it'd be great.

Good dream.

These kids today are so spoiled

2009-04-28T00:34:00.000-07:00

Sent on my roommate's iPhone.

I would like to make a special thank-you

2009-04-27T00:25:00.000-07:00

I would like to make a special thank-you
to the men at Sinai Memorial Chapel
those menches who took care of burial process:
Lupe, Adolfo, Donald and Chano

Another thought I had

2009-04-27T00:24:00.000-07:00

When the rabbi called the other rabbi up from the congregation to speak on behalf of the deceased, I wondered quickly, though thought better to ask if he'd 'tapped-tapped' his seat..

Things I thought better of:

2009-04-27T00:21:00.000-07:00

I wanted to wear my blacks to show respect to the family. I almost grabbed wore my 'Cake or Death' shirt. But thought better of it.

I thought maybe I'd bring something to read in the car or on the grass at the burial site. I almost grabbed the 'How To Survive a Zombie Attack' book, but thought better of it.

And I really did almost ask that guy if he was going to the funeral..

A couple other notes..

2009-04-27T00:18:00.000-07:00

Rabbi: Esther had a heart of gold. She was always asking how she could help. When we were setting up for passover, she would come up to me and ask 'What can I do to help?' So I'd give her something to do. When she finished that, she'd ask 'What can I do to help?' So I'd give her something else to do. It starts to get dark, everyone else has just about left; I literally had to kick her out so she could go home with her family.

Congregation laughs.

Me: I can't believe he actually kicked her! I wonder if that had something to do with.. oh I get it.

went to a funeral today, so i tried to keep things light - at least in my moleskin

2009-04-27T00:13:00.000-07:00

Scene: Guy dressed in black is walking to the funeral. At the crosswalk, he sees a man of African decent dressed in black tones to his left.

To the man:

Guy - Hey, are you going to the funeral too?

Man - what??

Guy - Oh, I ... I just saw you were all in black..

Man - FUCK you

--
he walks away.
--

Guy looks up to his right

Guy - well what about you?

cut to other guy, caucasian, in black-face

Other guy - Me? Yeah, yeah I'm going.

pan out - the two walk together across the street

Other guy - such a tragedy..

stiiiiiill waiting

2009-04-13T17:55:00.000-07:00

for my court order

silver, really silver

2009-04-12T13:13:00.000-07:00

Not enough things are really silver
in day to day life
so that it throws me off enough
that I truly think
at first glance
that whatever it is I see that's silver
is whatever part
of a robot
it must be.
What is that?
Is that the robot's knee?
Wait, no it's the robot's bag.
No wait, it's a bag.
See?
------
by the way
the bag was so silver
that I was SHOCKED
its owner was white.

Highlights (and some explanation about) from last night

2009-04-09T15:43:00.000-07:00

* We killed a 12-pack of Natural Ice on the walk from Matt's place in Fisherman's Wharf to Giant's stadium.

* We waited outside the stadium and across the street for Tommy to show up. Before he got there, a girl came up and asked for a cigarette. I offered one of Matt's up to her and she happily accepted. I asked if she wanted some tequila too, reached into Matt's bag, but accidentally pulled out a box of Plan-B (the morning after pill). Hilarious.

* The food court was packed so we formed a train to push through, asking everyone for a bite of their garlic fries along the way. None declined.

* We found killer seats about 8 rows in front of where our seats were, right along 3rd base.

* We ate pistachio nuts that were under the seats of the people in front of us.

* We drank beers - they only sold two per person, so I had to go to the old lady right next to the young lady I'd just bought from.

*Giants lost

* Matt stole someone's Giant's hat and ran

* We found him.

* Matt tried to trade his other hat for another Giant's hat from some guy who was selling them. He did this by throwing his hat down on the pile of hats with a dollar and taking another hat and running. I was behind them when it happened, so I came up to the hat guy and just took Matt's hat back.

* I asked the next fifty or so people if I could have their hat.

* I stopped when I went up to a guy in his car to ask, and he almost shot me.

* I climbed on statues

* I didn't stop for red lights

* or cars for that matter

* Met up with Molly - who WASN'T at the karaoke place.

* We took a cab 3 blocks to get to the karaoke place. I asked the cab driver if I could roll down the window and tell people they're doing it wrong. He locked the windows.

* They were closing so IMolly and I split the long island iced tea she'd left there and we went a-walking.

* Somehow ended up at some food place? I got a lot of ham.

* Finished the tequila.

* I stole a 'love bug' stuffed animal off of the front of someone's car.

* I almost stole some dude's skateboard, but people wouldn't leave fast enough so it became an awesome interaction with the homeless guy who said he was watching it for a friend.

* I'm pretty sure I fell asleep laying across the top of a big blue mailbox thing.

* We all decided to take a cab home, but when I hailed the cab, I was the only one who got in it. Which was confusing.

Spent the night at Matt's place. What a fun time.
Tony n' Tina's auditions were alright - we got a handful of talented people. Could be better. Especially in this city, right? I mean come on!

Oh! Hung out with Yael, whom I love. We got bread pudding and pina coladas at Joe's Crab Shack.

Maybe I've started to bore people?

2009-04-08T00:01:00.000-07:00

I'm not a comment whore, but I would like to know what you'd be interested in reading.

Anyway, an update:
- I'm subbing in as production manager for Point Break Live - a little here and there from now til July
- I probably won't have a license until April 2010, so I don't know what I'm going to do as far as my move
- Tony n' Tina's has auditions tomorrow and I'm sitting in to help cast, or at least offer my opinion
- My team has won trivia night at the pub two weeks in a row now
- I've won poker at my house two weeks in a row now
- The sun went away and I almost cried
- I keep getting too high to remember to write funny shit down. See this is why I want to live with people who will encourage me to write everything down and make something of it! And though I'm close, they're contagiously lazy. Or moody.
- Ya, I think I really have a problem with moody people. Moody people make ME moody. And I've never considered myself moody.
- Moody is a hilarious word.
- CCR is an amazing band.
- So is Andrew Jackson Jihad.
- Andrew Bird is pretty fucking awesome too.
- I have my third voiceover recording session next week, and they'll be doing some filming too. That's neat.
- I wish someone filmed everything I did all day, so that at the end of the day, I can go over it and see what happened.
- My brother graduates in June. I want to make it down for that.
- It's passover tomorrow night. 4 glasses of wine, please :)
- To be fair, television is in it's fucking prime right now. Here are the shows of which I catch every episode:
*The Daily Show
*The Colbert Report
*Heroes
*How I Met Your Mother
*LOST
*South Park
*Reno 911
*Yo Gabba Gabba
*Dance Party
*The Office
*30 Rock
*SNL
*The Simpsons
*Family Guy

And this is just stuff that happens to be on. And I'm also almost positive I'm missing some. Anyway, those are my shows right now.

I LOVE YOU, MAN
fucking ruled.
I've made like, 6 new guy friends since.
I also miss some guy friends. You know who you are. And if you're the girlfriend of one of them, you know who I'm talking about.

I drew a goatee on Brittany McGreggor today.
Rewarding.
Poetry is as poetry is interpreted.

Unnecessary, though inspired - another brief sleep write

2009-04-06T03:41:00.000-07:00

I can feel mjyself falling asleep so here I go. Again on my own. Going down the only road I’ve ever known. Another sleep write. It’s time. Time to type whatever I see with my eyes closed. The first thing I saw was scoby dooo with a tourquuoise collar. I hear a Jason Mraz song stuck in mjy head and have the imagr of peanut buttr from the jar. Yes, Hank Azaria is eating peanuts next to the mini water fountain on the tbable. He sits there, someone else now, in his burgundy sweatshirt and matching beanie. We’re all sitting around for poker. Some are bundled up, but all are ready to play. And addictred. A Mexican cleaning lady gives her coworkers a knowing eye and smiles around as someone throws beef jerkey on the table. I’m down, who else is down for beef jerky? How about dried cranberries? Actually, Turkish delight sounds delightful.

where was I? ah yes.

2009-04-05T17:55:00.001-07:00

so a minor setback in my plans: my license is probably going to be taken away from me for a year. This is what I get for dropping my friends off at BART.

In other news: my laptop is finally working again -
I own a xaphoon and it's harder to play than I thought, but it's still really fun.
I'm the substitute production manager for Point Break Live, but I still need to see the movie.
I plan on winning poker tonight.
People are cool.
The weather's been too good to be true, which means it'll probably get shitty soon.
Days pass quickly it seems, but things are fine so it's fine.
I'm unnecessarily excited about baseball season. Mostly because I plan on getting to see some Angels games this year!
It's surprisingly April.
I carry my moleskin around with me except for when I miss it most.
And I'm going to go outside and soak up the last bit of sun.
And it's 6pm. what the hell?

Oh.
And.

I heard on NPR
that by 2045
everyone will be like my roommate.
Programmed.
Personality, memory chips.
In our heads.
Everyone will be smarter.
Or at least know more.
And everyone will be lamer.
This is terrible.
I'll host Zion.

60oz margarita

2009-03-30T17:56:00.000-07:00

60oz margarita
Holy fuck.

-by Josh

Good grief

2009-03-27T12:30:00.000-07:00

I learned perhaps too young

the 5 stages of grief

and learned to skip straight to acceptance.

Don't deny.

Don't get angry.

No bargains - well maybe.

but definitely don't get depressed.

Just accept

things are what they are.

And go from there.

Though.

I've denied myself these emotional stages

and that kind of makes me angry at myself.

What if I'm accepting too soon?

Is acceptance a white flag?

You're leaving later, or maybe I am.

So why fall hard?

If not for good grief, I might be depressed.

But I can accept that.

by Josh

Waiting to Record

2009-03-20T22:54:00.000-07:00

Ugly patterns barely patterns
on these loveseat pillow couches
under paintings trite
but black and white
I wear a jacket to match
this class
To show I'm worth 100 dollars an hour.
Pots in bins in pots
A bowl of oranges
one banana. Untucked silk shirts.
They're getting their act together
I'm taking it on the road.

by Josh

This is why I don't write poetry

2009-03-20T14:01:00.000-07:00

I collect things I don't have to

commit to.

Rock. I can just throw that shit away.

Or at shit.

Small toys. Those are fun. You can like,

play with those. It's refreshing.

Balls. I guess you can throw those

or play with those too.

Nothing really practical.

All of my practical collections usually

disappear pretty quickly

Lighters.

Nice pens.

The most consistent collection I have

I guess would have to be my facebook friends.

Oh god I hate this world we live in.

by Josh

(first read at Woodpulp)

MyGym kids say the darndest things: Pyru - age

2009-03-19T09:13:00.000-07:00

Me: Hey Pyru! Did you have a good week?

Pyru: I ... well, I didn't get anything.

Me: Oh, well that's not the only way to determine whether you had a good week or not. Did you do anything fun? Meet any new people? Go somewhere?

Pyru: I ... I don't think I know anything anymore.

This is the same kid who, while swinging a few weeks ago was shouting "HOOOOOME DEEPOOOTT!" for no reason. I asked him why he was yelling 'Home Depot,' and he said, "Because my stomach feels like I'm at HOOOOOME DEEPOOOOOT!!!!!"

oh and ps

2009-03-11T17:57:00.001-07:00

I'm fine :)

That alternate universe

2009-03-07T12:31:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I enter that alternate universe

where time goes slower

and things seem more important

even though I tell myself it's not the case

I can't get rid of that thought

those thoughts

in the back of my mind

That every movement is significant

That every thought is valid

Whimsy gone

Silliness - none

It's very strange

And the more and more I think about it

the further down the rabbit hole I go

And then I realize I'm not breathing

And then I realize my heart is pounding

And then I realize I haven't been paying attention to myself at all

And I sober up

But am afraid to sober up all at once

because I feel my heart wanting to skip a beat

to get back on track

or on a new track

And the arm I haven't been paying attention to

which was fine a second ago

is suddenly numb

and I say it is asleep

but I'm waking it up a different way

Or hoping it will wake up

And fear is there

for obvious reasons.

More Planning

2009-02-27T16:35:00.001-08:00

Collaborate with Danesh for Stand-up and Sketch Comedy.

Talk to agencies - Danesh will set me up with the people he works with, Jeff will set me up with the people he works with, I'll talk to Blotner, AK, Ariel, Justin K and my mom.

Join Improv Schmimprov.

There's a space where I can put on anything I want - I can fill that space with people and do shows there, sketch or otherwise.

Make video shorts - I will have access to superior equipment through people I know at the schools down there.

Get in touch with people I met in Sketchfest - particularly friends from Moral Orel and Cartoon Dump.

Recent things going my way:

I'm now a paid voice-over artist and will have an entire four book series helping teach English to high school students under my belt! - I really want to get into voice acting.

I still perform weekly in Tony n' Tina's. I have played 6 different characters in a year of being with the show. I'm Tony again this Saturday.

Things to take care of:

I need headshots

I need business cards

I need to flesh out some sketch ideas

I will ask my boss for a letter of recommendation and let MyGyms in LA know that I'm coming

Keep craigslisting. Keep building my reel.

Initiate Nic and Danesh into Team Awesome: All awesome. All the time.

The big move

2009-02-25T17:33:00.000-08:00

Alright, the story of LA begins now. I may be moving as soon as July.

Potential roommate: Nic Knerr

So much more to talk about. Still don't have a computer.

How things are now

2009-02-18T19:07:00.000-08:00

I mean, it's true:

If it's not something great, most people would probably rather be on the computer.

In just 363 days

2009-02-13T23:00:00.000-08:00

I went from playing Tony
to playing Tony's father.

And how'd I do?

Well, I always have and always will be my biggest critic. It felt off - I mean I'm a 23 year old playing a 23 year old's father. But the audience after was SO complimentary. SO appreciative. And half of these people were regular TnT groupies; people who've seen the show two, even three times now!!

So, fuckin' a. Good for me.
I really hope there are pictures.

Happy 1-Year Anniversary, Tony n' Tina's Wedding.

Anthony Angelo Nunzio Sr.

2009-02-13T11:06:00.000-08:00

Last night I got the call that tonight I would be playing Tony.
Not the groom.
His father.

Can I do this?
Yes.

Should I be doing this?
Probably not.

Key to success?
Age credibility. I hope even a quarter of the audience believes I'm over 40.

Hey, not my fault if they don't. There's 5 other people who play this part. And apparently I'm choice number 6.

ooof!

2009-02-11T15:33:00.000-08:00

So since my court date wasn't until October, my license wasn't officially suspended until October, which means my 6 months of suspension isn't up until mid-April!! Patience ... patience ...

Meanwhile, there's these hilarious texts I've been getting from a German girl who spells 'hugs' "hucks" and 'drink' "trink" who has a boyfriend in Germany, but who's to say she can't have a boyfriend in San Francisco too? She goes back in September - I move to LA in September.

Also. I really need to find out if Tony n' Tina's is bumping up their shows per week for the Summer as has been promised. If they're not ... well then I might be leaving here even sooner. Why not?

Well, because I love it here. That's why not. But I should give things a shot. I have to!

What the hell am I going to do there....?

Who wants to go to burning man?

2009-02-10T13:22:00.000-08:00

On hold w/ the DMV - "due to an increased number of calls, your wait may be longer than 10 minutes."

Looking for a coupon for $20 off an oil change.

Reading about LOST - waiting to see if I'm gonna watch more Weeds.

Got a focus group tonight for $75.

Gotta deposit a couple checks then bring rent over to the landlord.

--

got through with the DMV - I have to pay another 160 dollars to get my new license ... jesus they'll just take it wherever they can!!

Alright alright ... how to prioritize.

First I'll manage my finances. One sec.

Okay, so. My roommate gets home at 3:45 - 2 hours. He'll give me his rent check - I can deposit my checks and head over to my landlord's house in Excelsior. I should take my roommate with me so he understands what I have to do the 10th of every month.

I'll head from there to the DMV with In n' Out incentive for the roommate. Then go for an oil change tomorrow. Gotta be home and out again in time for the 7:30 focus group. Woo!

So I've got a couple hours - I'm gonna go watch the rest of weeds season 3 disc 1, then read the rest of this old EW, then one of the other books I'm reading (probably the Gene Wilder one) or go back on facebook and talk to friends - see if Omar's on.

Other things I should do:
be prepared to buy a new charger for my laptop
make plans for tonight
or go to sleep early.

I will have a license

2009-02-03T16:32:00.000-08:00

and a new washing machine

by next week.

I don't know which one I'm more, fuck that, the license.

Romance

2009-01-20T16:32:00.000-08:00

I wonder how many people have proposed to their significant other over facebook chat.

Free challah???? - m4w

2009-01-20T00:38:00.000-08:00

I just moved here from Texas. I'm a cowboy looking for a steer.

Today, the Longhorns "PLAY" the Browneyes, I mean Buckeyes.

I am looking for someone to accept the challenge:
Every time the Longhorns score, you give me a blowjob.

Every time the Buckeyes score, you get a Challah. (I have a lot of Challahs. Don't ask me why.)

Maybe I'll eat your "challah" too (as long you didn't use yeast).

Acutally, there's 4 of us.
This is 100% serious, 100% sexy.

If you decide to share your challah with us, we will share our hummus with you.

Email us, Trust us there is a couple of keepers amongst us, so reply with a pic if possible. Enthusiasm will most definitely trump good Looks. (No anorexic Girls unless there are 2 or more of you).

Have Friends? I have a lot of Challah.

Lead singer jinxes band after chorus

2009-01-19T15:28:00.000-08:00

Heading into their set's third song, Cat Sweater Concept was looking cool and composed. This alternative folk-punk band out of San Jose kicks out the jams with their well-groomed plucking topped by heavenly harmonies. Their most famous song, "Tommy Boy Beats Black Sheep" reached number seventy-four on the Billboard top 100 last week, and Cat Sweater Concept swept right into it after an adoring applause for their just-released "Hardon Wars." Front-man Seymore "Has Been" Neverwas opened his mou....

nevermind, I started trying too hard on this one and ran out of time. Time for more Sketchfest (which has been awesome).

Thought I'd try another Sleep Write

2009-01-18T03:03:00.000-08:00

Let's dance the last dance tonight oh ho i need to you find me to hold me to design me some popeye spinach. I'm not yet asleep right now, I'm definitely awake. I'm far too conscious for this to work and I don't think I can get compfortavble enough to fall asleep in this position. Oh well it was worth the effort right? oh well Let'ss just type what I see then, shall we? With my eyes closed? Now before i LOSE IT, i SEE A GUY WITH A WHITE SHIRT WITH MONKEYS ON IT AND ANOTHER GUY SITTING WITH SUNGLASSES AND A RED AND WHITE STRIPED POLO SHIRT SITTING OUTSIDE A GLASS BUILDING WAVING - PUTS HIS HAND UP TO THE GLASS AND A LITTLE GIRL IN A YELLOW DRESS COMES RUNNING UP TO IT AND SAYS DADDY DADDY AND THEN STEPS BACK AND APPLIES LIPSTICK. SOMEONE ELSE GRABS A CANDLE AND LEADS THE GIRL DOWN A HALLWAY WHERE THINGS ARE ABOUT TO HAPPEN BUT THAT DISSOLVED AND NOW A BEAGLE WEARS A BIRTHDAY HAT AND HOLDS A BONE PROUDLY. OLDER HIPSTER CHICKS WORK AT A COFFEE SHOP AND A GUY SITS AT THE BAR WEARING THE SAME BIRTHDAY HAT AND SIPPING HIS COFFEE. hE SECRETLY WANTS THE BARISTA BUT INSTEAD ORDERS A DANISH. a MAN CATCHES A GIANT TROUT AND THE TROUT EATS HIM AND LAUGHS. sOMEONE'S GETTING SOFT-SERVE ICE CREAM AND NOW POLKA DOTS INVADE THE SCENE. oKAY i'M FEELING MYSELF SLOWLY FALL ASLEEP BUT THAT CONSCIOUSNESS OF IT DEFINITELY TAKES ME OUT OF IT. oH LOOK, kURT vONNEGUT SHOWED UP, HOW AWESOME! cONAN o'bRIEN'S CARTOON CHARACTURE IS DRAWING A PICTURE OF HIMSELF WITH REALLY REALLY LONG ARMS. tHOSE ARMS NOW PLUCK AWAY AT A TYPEWRITER. oKAY i'M GOING TO ADJUST MY ARMS TO MAKE THEM A LITTLE MORE COMFORTABLE, MAYBE THAT'LL HELP. ps, sHAGGY FROM sCOOBY dOO IS HERE NOW, CHASING OUT, NO, BEING CHASED BY tHE GREAT PUMPKIN. yANKEE DOODLE IS STUCK IN MY HEAD AND A FISH CHASES A SQUIRRELL, ACTUALLY I DIDN'T EVEN PICTURE THAT, i JUST TYPED IT. bICYCLES SPEEDING DOWN THE STREET, MASS MIGRATION OUT OF aNATEVKA - THESE i SEE. i'LL STICK TO WHAT i SEE. cAPTAIN hOOK CARRYING LUGGAGE TOO - OUT OF aNATEVKA. i BELONG IN aNATEVKA ETC. hMM, DO i TYPE WHAT i SEE? tHAT'S i THINK DIFFERENT THAN WHAT i, ER, HOW i USED TO DO SLEEP WRITES. i WOULD INSTEAD, BACK THEN, JUST TYPE WHAT i WAS THINKING, i THINK THAT'S hOW i WAS BETTER ABLE TO FALL ASLEEP.

I JUST WOKE UP AND REALIZED i WAS IN ALL CAPS.

Fixed.

Dozing..

I'm just dgoing to type what I think now instead this time. Bears, but wait, I saw the bears, teddy bears, teddy koala bears. I don't know if I can type as fast as I think - I think I'm far too awake and this position isn't going to allow me to fall asleep. Maybe if I keep following this light in my head. It leads to clouds, carebears, now there's green and cats and pong. like the atari game. extension chords tied up, tying them up, coiling them properly, nicely.

I'm going to try to actually dream now and then see if I type what I dream. But no dream is really coming to fruition, mostly just images. Since I started typing this portion, there've been firetrucks and again, more teddy bears. Teddy bears in sailor suits. skeiiing. fans - like air blowing fast - thundercats, no swat-cats. optimus-prime. mr. t.. yogi bear. these were all in the robert smeigel thing I did today. and that's probably where the images of extension chords, octopus plugs and coiled chord are coming from. a

I'm definitely too awake to fall asleep and do a legitimate SLEEP WRITE but there's been stuff to reread anyway. I like this dress I see. It's on a beautiful woman. She's hot and her dress is made of emerald cubes.

Demitri martin, or a comedian who wants to be like him, just asked for me to bring up clip one through nine, even though he hadn't told me he was going to be using projector equipmet for his show. Fuckin a, man, I just finished my stretching and you want me to do all this wok, that's bullshit. whatever, do what you need to do. I'll sit here in this lobby slash teacher's lounge. sShould be fun. So is tomorrow wear a hat day? Sitting on couches are nice when they're yellow and plether. I've got an umbrella open indoors but it's not me, it's (M) my technical Director. I'm actually not really in this dream, I think I thought I was Moe. Tha't's funny. (C)'s protecting the lightbooth with a tourett gun. The lighting is really cool over the booth - a light greeen. Savage. Ben savage. I think I'm starting the show. This ... Lost on DVD. Some chick nodding. But that could be a rasta dude, ya it was.

suddenly this doesn't seem as exciting to do as it did. ps, how long have i not been typing?

anipals hump. (T) the chick from (this thing I'm doing) has my bag of (stuff) and (D) a producer of (this thing I'm doing) carried a tray of brownies. (J) and (C) are here too and they're cleaning off a desk and checking the dessert treats. people are all waiting in line to get into this show and charlie kaufman just walked by with a tray of cheese puffs. ISomeone opened the door to the theatre to let someone in a wheelhchair in. I'm not really to be seen in this dream, I'm almost more concerned with the cinematography off the dream - following people from one conversation to another..
i just had one of those twitches. the i'm ffalling asleep twitch.

maybe i should just fall asleep and then i'll end up trying anyway unconsciously. no i think there must be some sort of conscniousness to do any of this at all. I felt like i was actually asleep back then though. i'm wearing that white shirt i never wear because the machine shrank it.Seems like you've all got placfes to go and that is enough for me to get this show running. ready when you are Moe. 'Okay they're on. I don't know their name so I'm calling them te Relics. Que antiques roadshow. i feel like this guy will just talk to you about everything, even afterhe left.

fuck yeah, go uc davis bsketball team!@ get a sketchfest shirt. It'll happen.

was that spanish? i couldn't understand her.
"What ARE " we doing?
you're joining the blue man group. Lights out, and fade back up, spot and top light for Smeigel and CArve. PS, havfe fun.

I just want to actually go to sleep now. No worrying about the laptop falling or, ya i'm pretty sure thatone of the few thoughts keeping me awake, at least a little. I'm going to crack my knuckles now and go to bed.

This has been a good experiment. I definitely typed shit I don't or wouldn't remember.
Goodnight.

Thill mor eto type, but I'm not gonna. It's been a long day.

(So uh, I've been asked to do a little editing so that this post doesn't show up on a certain google search for "this thing I'm doing")

This is how I roll

2009-01-09T11:46:00.000-08:00

Stupid smart dog ...

2009-01-08T23:51:00.001-08:00

I say NO.
DON'T TOUCH.
AH AH AH AH AH!

He listens. He won't touch it. The trash. The food on my plate. The trash.

But the second I leave the room,
he's eating the leftover bones from my buffalo wings.
(That I shared with STEPHEN FAULKNER!)

That fucking dog! God damnit, Magic.

I put him outside.
That's his punishment.
He goes outside, and I don't let him in.
For an hour. Maybe more.
He wines. And that doesn't help.
After I decide to let him back in, I wait until he's been quiet for at least 2 full minutes.
Which could take a while.

And then he comes back in.
He KNOWS he's done bad.
And I make him sit.
I make him shake my hand.
And I reinforce: DON'T TOUCH.

He knows the consequences.
And I feel bad having to dish them out.
I try to enforce that them's the rules. I don't want to enforce them, but I hafta!

He wines like he can't stand it.
So you'd think that maybe ...
well ...

If the bones of buffalo wings were right there in front of me..
and all I'm fed is fucking dog food all the time..
I'd fucking eat that shit right in front of me too.
God damn dog.. I love you so god damned much.

Wet Sheets

2009-01-06T01:02:00.001-08:00

The female equivalent to Blue Balls.

Everytime I hear "Hi Sam"

2008-12-30T17:37:00.001-08:00

Although it isn't very often.
I think:
"Hi Clarissa"

I lost the game.
(Have a great life!)

Post 100

2008-12-29T19:13:00.001-08:00

For Alex Bender's birthday,

I bought him the chance
to have his picture taken with Saint Nicholas
at Stonestown Galleria.

The only condition
was that he wore the onesie footy pajamas
his girlfriend gave him for his birthday.

Santa Asks:
"So is this for your mother or something?"
Bender admits:
"No. I lost a bet."

The picture: fantastic.
Bender's experience?
Maybe not so much.
Yet the experienc is shared on facebook.
And suddenly the experience was awesome.
You're welcome.

So for the holidays
I got Bender a T-hirt
with a big picture of him on Santa's lap printed on the front.
So at least if he's going to share,
he can share in person.

Bender loves the shirt.
I love the Bender..
As long as he's not behind a screen.
Flee, Bender, flee.
Shoo, screen, shoo.

The Ramsell House Spirit Animals

2008-12-28T14:52:00.000-08:00

Ben Klein
a penguin, a barn owl, a beluga whale

Ryan Peterson
a chinchilla, a bison, a brown bear

Alex Bender
a red panda, a dachshund, an iPhone

Josh Hillinger
a platypus, an orca, a silverback gorilla,

If you just can't hide it

2008-12-27T14:49:00.000-08:00

You know that feeling when you get so excited about something, you feel like you could just burst?? It's the moment right beyond this state, the BURST, that people with autism live in at all times.

Words cannot explain the excitement you're feeling. Physically, you cannot contain your excitement (And what a great feeling it is, too!). Psychologically, you're so caught up on the one thing you're excited about that all other thoughts disappear. Rapidly it builds and suddenly you may not even remember what you're even excited about. You can only feel just how excited you are. This consciousness is the only thought in our head and we just gotta shout or sing or do something!

Now, we've learned to calm down. Accept our excitement, contain it; control ourselves. We feed lines into our minds: "Alright Buster, you're okay" or "Alright, I'm fine. I'm okay." But if we didn't stop ourselves, we'd walk right off the plank and into another planet! For those of us who know people with severe autism, they're off in their own little world. I argue that this is a world of instinctive behavior. Because when you've reached that point of ecstasy where words can no longer describe it, and when you're so furious, you could just explode, and when when you're so excited that you just wanna jump up and down, you're not acting rationally; you're letting your animal instincts take over and you don't think twice about your buffoonery.

When your excitement builds, you're perpetually excited by this feeling, this gut feeling, and all other thoughts leave your mind. And when you finally stop thinking altogether, you're off in your own world of wonder. That gut feeling is the only thing that guides you.

But people aren't REALLY in their own little world. They may be operating on another plane, but they're not from another planet. This alternate dimension is STILL earth-bound. If men come from monkeys, then severe autism is the most primitive man can be. And like monkeys, people can be trained.

No time to learn words, these children grow up. Their behaviors are deemed unacceptable and we try to redirect them. Work with them to help them assimilate into our civilized world, at least as best as we can. They missed out on the mere CONCEPT of "understanding," so why would they bother to make it easy on you? It takes years and years, but these children eventually learn what they have to do to get what they want. They learn words. The human brain is capable of complex thought. But as long as they get food and have a roof over their heads, and a bed to sleep in, these children learn to be pretty content with how things are going pretty early on.

Look, if you could have everything taken care of for you and you never had to think about anything, wouldn't you let it happen?

My brother has taken his pants off and pissed in a fish-tank at a pet-store. That's a friggen step away from shitting in his hand and throwing it at someone. Except he had pants on because we put pants on him.

The reason we get so much joy out of children with autism is because their joy is so unclouded, so pure. When we see them succeed, they shout for joy and so do we. More often than we hope, they probably don't understand exactly what they did. But when they score a goal in soccer, they're finally allowed to jump up and down, shake their hands, and make a noise that may as well have come from a howler monkey. And damn that boy's happy!

My brother has come a long, long way. He lives in a home with three other men with autism. He works 3, maybe 4 jobs. Is finishing his last year in a special program at OCC. And he's a much more "civilized" human being. He'll tell you what he wants. But you can't have a conversation with him. We've taught him to list 5 things that happened at such and such, so if you ask him, Hey, what're five things you did today, he could tell you. But he'll never ask you back. He'll never ask how you're feeling. And if you make him ask, he won't listen to your answer. He lives in a bubble. He does what he's been taught to do to get by and back to what he was doing before he was interrupted like jumping, making noises, and maybe masturbating.

There's some magic in him though. He's very in-tune with his senses. Including that sixth, instinctive sense. He knows when you're sad and to come by to cheer you up, like a dog would. And while he may not understand "jokes," he knows when things are funny. He'll laugh and say "hyena!" That's his association. And when he's so angry he can't control it, he'll yell "VOLCANO!" because that's how he can communicate his eruption.

While we recognized the way the world worked and built character around it (by learning words, definitions, asking questions), young children with autism stayed tuned out. Distracted as an infantile would be by everything.

As they learn to distinguish between their Earth and ours, the most logical things make sense. My brother has calendars memorized (ask him what day of the week any date in the last 200 years occurred on, and he'll tell you). Some people figure out math. Or poker. And some people with autism participate in conversation. Logical conversation. Which is why sarcasm is lost on them because they're having a hard enough time determining what you mean just by the words. This is why Aspergers syndrome is an advanced form of autism.

Since our world is so different from the rest of the animal kingdom's, we rely on early recognition in order to eventually explain everything. Perhaps if we did nothing all day, and followed only our instincts, our autistic children would respond more naturally from the beginning. What would family life be without ANY stigmas? Barbaric. Animal. Without any thoughts of repercussion, we would just do. And if droning incessantly is what makes us feel good, we'd do it. And if we had energy, we'd jump up and down and shake our hands (or run, Forest, run across the country).

Obviously animals do not operate solely on instinct. Humans are of intelligent creatures, like the monkey, the dolphin, the cat, the dog. And all of us can be trained.

What can we learn from this? Since we can at least recognize how the world works around us, our instincts have been modified. We can drive a car and not think once about what we're doing and suddenly we're where we were going. The less we think, the more instinctive we behave. The less self-conscious we are. The more likely we are to drop our pants and piss in a fish tank in public. Hell, it's why people like to drink. We do what we like to do because it's fun and it feels good. If we're drunk, we get arrested. If we're autistic, we're taken home. Until our actions are punished, we'll go on doing whatever we feel like. So don't punish yourself with negative thoughts or "I'd better not's." Get so caught up in something great that words can't even explain how good you feel. Shout your orgasms to the neighbors. Jump up and down when you're excited. And if someone pisses you off, throw your shit at them!

Because the standards of this world are keeping us down.

George W. Bush Pardons Himself

2008-12-25T21:13:00.000-08:00

I think even if it's not legal, he'll find a way to do it.

The last few days

2008-12-24T15:58:00.000-08:00

have been pretty great. So I'm going to share about them.

Saturday night was closing night of The Eight: Reindeer Monologues. It was a great show - I had a blast doing it; it was the highest caliber show I've been in as far as talent. Half the cast was equity; the other half, maybe even better. From Dasher to Vixen, we kinda sorta rocked. Blitzen and I had a thing that escalated in a decent make-out sesh after a night of crawling after the show. And after dinner. The director and producer took us all out to dinner after Saturday's show. They probably laid down over $600 on all of us. I got this big plate of meats: salami, duck prosciutto, some pistachio meat loaf thing, and a big plate of cheese. I also got escargot cause I've never had it and it proved that anything baked in butter and garlic will taste ... well ... it didn't really taste like much. But it was delicious. So was the glass of wine and dirty martini. All accounted for. Damn, guys.

We went out to a lounge nearby. Then to the upstairs part of the lounge. Some dude had a bust of Mao and that became an improv prop.

We came across some smokey bar run by asians and popped in for a sec. One girl was really hot and really drunk and apparently worked there. She was all over me and I tried to get everyone to stay half-jokingly. They wanted to go so I told the girl I had to go. We made out a couple times and I skipped down the street to catch up with the group.

Then Cupid says, "You know that was a guy, right?"

Without skipping a beat I said "Ya." Though really I had NO idea hahaha!

Dasher was also shocked.

Whatever, she was hot. Or he.

We found another bar, Dasher, Dancer, Cupid, Blitzen and I. And Emilio our stage manager! This bar was pretty sweet - good music poorly mixed. Cheap drinks. Good times. This is where I first kissed Blitzen.

I like Blitzen. If my phone were working, I'd probably call her. But she's 32. And I, like all men, am retarded. And so looking at that potential relationship, I think, man ... I don't think it'd "work out" with her (whatever "work out" means), so if I were to pursue this, the whole time I'd be thinking about when it would end. MAN, men are retarded.

Final song of the night was Hall and Oates.

Walked Blitzen to her car. Etc.

Took a cab home by 3:30am.

Meanwhile, I've had a friend from Tony n' Tina's staying with me for a couple nights. I guess I decided to respect her reputation and stopped trying to sleep with her when she called me a terrible person. She'd broken up with Donnie Dulce and got with Tony right after. Except Tony's got some issues and couldn't commit to her so suddenly she's homeless and sleeping in my bed a couple nights in a row. She stayed with someone else that night though. She's awesome but it seems we've mutually come to a weird conclusion about our non-exist frienshrelationship.

So yes, I'm asleep by 4am. I have to be at MyGym in 5 hours. I manage to get some sleep and not have a terrible hangover in the morning.

I work 2 birthday parties Sunday morning. Make $110.

Come home. My mom's waiting outside my house in her car. She tells me to pack and that we're going on a "ROAD TRIP."

My mom came up to see the show Saturday night. We talked briefly about going out the next couple days because I had some time off from MyGym starting Monday. But she just kinda, you know, MADE PLANS WITHOUT TELLING ME and expected me to just kinda ... comply.

Mom, you're great. But you can't just show up and do that.

We had plans to go wine tasting that evening, stay in Napa that night. Head up to Reno the following day.

Awesome.

Except I was sick and I had friends coming into town and a Chanukkah party to host the next night.

So we went to Napa. I argued against wine tasting and we ended up having a HUGE steak dinner! I had an 18oz. steak. What the fuck. And we had some wine there so no huge loss.

And honestly, we were asleep at the hotel by 10pm. It was good for us.

My mom has a new dog - her name is Molly Sylvester. Cute little long-haired dachshund. She was on the trip and at the hotel with us.

The next morning, we got massages as Massage Envy. 90-minute, Deep Tissue. Fuckin' L! Incredible.

Drove home.

Mom left.

Danny Saucedo came over. Played his new album feat. The Elaborate Fantasy Machine. It's really fantastic. Everyone buy it on iTunes.

SO THAT'S THAT!

Cliffnotes: I made out with a dude.

Gangsta's Paradise starts

2008-12-20T14:40:00.001-08:00

and my roommate Bender goes:
And this ain't even Amish Paradise! This is legit GANGSTA!

My dog whines

2008-12-20T14:11:00.000-08:00

And I don't know why.
My dog whines
Like a fucking bitch.
I was going to rhyme, "not like a guy"
But then I got the fucking itch
to stop the rhyme that I now continued
The first word that I thought was sinewed
Which turned out not to be a word
I right clicked it and it apparently doesn't exist in past tense
Intense
In tents
Anyway, he whines. I think to get attention.
Or food. Or water. Or to be let out.
But I give him whatever he wants and he just kinda whines sometimes
I think it's because he's slowly dying.
Good news is, he'll have a friend
She's coming over today with mother.
Mother's coming up today. She's seeing my show and kidnapping mey.
Tomorrow wine tasting.
Next day Reno.
Call 911, I'm drinking vino!
I've got a cold - I'm working on it
I'm going to make Magic wear a bonnet.
I almost typed boner. Lol.
Speaking of boner, what's that smell?
Poems are so pathetically easy to write.
I like pussy that is tight.

What was I talking about?
Oh yes. Magic whines. He's such a good dog though.
I've got a cold. I'm chugging dayquil.
what the fuck does the quil stand for?

Ummmm ... what else is new?
I'm done with Reindeer Monologues after tonight.
What, you wanna about it fight?

I lose the game every time my roommate Bender touches his dick.
His defense? "I'm just touching my balls!!"
This is how I help people.
I let them think they're helping themselves.
This kind of passive manipulation has also lead people to call me evil.

I ate all-you-can-eat japanese "cuisine" for lunch three days in a row.
Which also means I haven't had dinner three days in a row.
I've probably had between 50 and 60 salmon sushis in the last three days.
Hello mercury poisoning.

Falling Asleep & Lucid Dreaming

2008-12-16T22:41:00.000-08:00

It took a while, but eventually I taught myself to fall asleep even if the circumstances weren't "just right." It started out with a night light. Or the door had to be open. Or the door had to be closed. Or a fan had to be on. Or off. Or music. Or complete silence. But eventually, I learned the ability to fall asleep even if there were noises downstairs or someone else was in my bed or the light was on in the hall.

My roommate Ben hasn't adapted so well. He can't sleep if there's noise outside his room. Or if the light's on in the kitchen. Maybe he's getting better, but he's not trained the way say my roommate Ryan is.

Ryan can fall asleep anywhere, at any time, in any position. On the couch with the TV on. On his back on his bed with limbs limping over the edges. In a chair. On the computer. In the bath. With music blasting. When he puts himself to sleep, he's out in an instant.

Where do I infer significance?

What does Ben think of as he drifts to sleep? I don't know. I'm not in his head. However, he's clearly more conscious of his surroundings at night if he's still paying attention to who's talking or that light outside his door. Which means he has to stop thinking about those things in order to fall asleep. So his process might be rather clear minded. At least, that's kind of how I figure it.

What about Ryan? Ryan can fall asleep anywhere if he puts his mind to it. Or once he's resigned to go to sleep - even if he "wants" to stay awake - he'll fall instantly to sleep. His mind has been trained to drift with the outside distractions into a new realm of the subconscious dream state. So Ryan's process might be rather cluttered, with images soaring in and out like the commercials on television. At least, that's kind of how I figure it.

Ben's process is more meditative. Single images or themes are deliberately chosen and a dream subconsciously forms as we drift out of consciousness.

Ryan's process is more lucid. Several images perhaps form subconsciously in dream as we search for consciousness and try to make deliberate choices.

Because Ryan has no problem entering his dream world, it is easier to navigate this familiar territory. Meanwhile, Ben might be a stranger to his dream world.

But what happens when Ryan wakes up compared to when Ben wakes up? Ryan wakes conscious of his dreams, conscious he's now in his bed, maybe even conscious of what he was thinking right before going to bed.

Ben's awakening seems like it would be crisper. Fresher. It's a new morning and the sun is shining. At least, this is what I imagine to be the case.

When Ryan sleeps through his surroundings, he loses track of his surroundings, and implicates dream conceptualizations into reality. It's why the couch can seem so comfortable sleeping on it til 3 or 4 in the morning. Especially when he's been telling himself he wanted to "stay up" this whole time.

Ben has to go to bed to go to sleep. He has to have his light off. The house has to be quiet. And he finds the serenity to drift to sleep. To turn off his thoughts and count sheep perhaps.

I'm really trying to figure out if there's anything to say about this. I feel like I'm just babbling. Saying the same thing over and over again.

So Ben's talking to himself in bed, right? "What's that noise?" "Alright, just go to sleep." "Ugh, I can't sleep." "1 sheep. 2 sheep. 3 sheep." And Ryan's ... what? I think he talks to his dream self. Because in your dream, you talk to yourself. You make decisions. So if you aren't talking to yourself about the real world ("What a long day, I'm glad I'm finally falling asleep"), you're talking to yourself in the dream world, right? And then when you wake up, you're still talking to yourself in the dream world. Until you're REALLY awake. And thinking about the day. And doing things. And getting ready.

That's why I imagine Ben wakes up fresher. Because upon waking, he's back in his bed. Back in his routine. Ready to get the day moving. Waking from not having put yourself to bed in the first place has GOT to be harder.

Now on one hand, I think it's important to get sleep when you need it. If people are up and you need your sleep, you should be able to just go to sleep! BUT! Reflecting on your surroundings CAN'T be a bad thing.

Alarms are a jolt to the system. It's like a caffeine. Thinking about the time immediately gets you thinking about the day. It puts a constraint on your existence and gets you moving. Maybe it doesn't get you motivated, but it gets you moving.

Dreams are the opposite of time. They're timeless. They're lawless. It's free form. And nonlinear.

So is there a connection to our dreams and our imagination? Dreams are our subconscious just kind of going at will. But in dream, our subconscious is our conscious. Because like I said, we make decisions in our dreams. Therefore we talk to ourselves. Don't we? Okay, if we aren't making decisions, we're acting on instinct. And our subconscious controls our instinct. But when we actually are forced into making decisions in dreams, we consciously make choices and act on them. In our dreams. And that's lucid dreaming!

The cool thing about lucid dreaming is that you're conscious in your nonlinear world. And everything's possible. And you're so near waking. Often times, your lucid dream will cause you to wake up. And that is because we ARE conscious.

So our dreams are our imagination. Our imagination is our subconscious.

So if Ryan can fall asleep right away, it's because his imagination is running rampant. And as his dream is just THERE, right behind his eyelids, that means he's lost consciousness. The only consciousness is when he wakes up and can notice that he's on the couch (instead of la la land).

At what point is the line drawn between imagining and dreaming?

Bush ducks BEFORE SHOE IS THROWN

2008-12-15T01:02:00.000-08:00

Zeitgeist.

By the way, his name is Carlos.

2008-12-13T16:47:00.000-08:00

And he plays Garcia on Reno: 911.

He also was the voice of the Taco Bell dog.

He is the first of 4 Reno: 911 cast members I will be meeting in the next couple months. Along with Dangle. Weigel. And Junior.

See, these three were members of one of my favorite sketch groups The State - a sketch comedy show on MTV in the 90s that will be featured and honored at this year's SF Sketchfest. Which I will be working again. Which is going to be a blast.

I had so much fun last year. And this year will be even better.

Props to Emo! The Musical for making it in. I've talked to Joey and he's gonna see if there's a place for me in the show. It's the first time out of three that I'm actually capable of doing it. And Joey said the firs time around that if anybody auditioned with R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet, they'd automatically make it in. So I'm holding him to that haha.

Otherwise, I'll be doing lights and kicking it with everybody else.

Fucking, EVERYBODY.

Ya man

2008-12-13T02:52:00.001-08:00

Just got back from boxing with Rocko

('s Modern Life).

I left the house with a Dog and a Leash

2008-12-11T00:34:00.000-08:00

I returned with a Dog, a Leash, and a TRAMPOLINE!!
Best. Walk. EVER.

Re: This is what I get for littering.

2008-12-10T23:08:00.001-08:00

I don't drive much since the DUI. So I take public transit sometimes. Yeah yeah.

I get off MUNI last weekend and there's a fucking cop ready to write me up for not having a ticket. I shuffle through my clothes knowing full well I'm not going to find the ticket that I never bought and proceed with retarded caution. I should've just ran back down and tried to find someone else's. Or I should've hopped the gate and ran for the Exit Theatre. But no.

Officer Justice: Ticket, please?

Me: I can't find it, I must've left it on the train

Officer Justice: Okay, then I'm gonna write you a ticket for littering.

Me: What?? Seriously?

Officer Justice: Come stand over here with me, please.

Me: Wait, come on man! I, ugh! I can't afford this right now!

Officer Justice: Excuse me sir!?

Me: *head down*

He takes my identification (which is only my old student ID right now - I still don't have a license and my temporary one was taken when a guy outside of Shannon Arms didn't believe it was real). He gets my address. I sit down.

Yes. That was me. Sitting on the floor in the Powell station. Wearing a Santa hat and being written up for littering by Officer Justice. Thankfully, and *almost* tastefully, the ticket was only $50.

MOSS GARCIA!

2008-12-08T17:54:00.000-08:00

Throws rocks at dog
picks his nose
reads penthouse magazine
negative hygiene

CHRISTMAS EVIL!
watching it right now.

I love cheesy horror. Especially holiday themed. Jack Frost. Jack-O. Jack Frost 2. Uncle Sam. Jesus, this shit is wonderful. I miss it.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!! AND CASUAL NUDITY!

Re: Birds of a Cyber-Feather Flock Together

2008-12-06T17:07:00.000-08:00

Shikka
her response and now my response to this wonderful article from the New York Times

Jesus, I was writing a comment that eventually turned itself into a post of its own. I had the whole thing written out and was just going to copy and paste it here, and then copied and pasted her link to her profile. So here I go, to try to recreate everything I had written.

I think it's brilliant to compare internet microbloggers - those updating and following other pepoples' updates to a point that they feel they KNOW another person despite minimal actual face-time - to a flock of birds, who operate instinctively, all knowing what one another is doing and is going to do without a word being being spoken. If everyone reads an update, then they share a common knowledge that someone else wanted to be common knowledge.

The author of the article however, describes the act of stopping several times a day to check in with ourselves, taking time to observe what we're feeling or thinking can become, after weeks and weeks, a sort of philosophical act, calling it "a culture of people who know much more about themselves."

I do like the idea of trying to entertain others with our updates. Updates as a literary tool. That's great. Keeps things fresh. Interesting. You want to grab your cyber-flock's attention to keep them interested in you, to keep you in their minds, to keep your existence tangible. But if you're constantly updating, then you're not just getting in touch with yourself, you're getting in touch with who you want to be. Or at least, who you want others to perceive you to be. So it's a culture of people who think about what they want other people to know about themselves. A culture of self-consciousness.

The internet is responsible for training our minds to think about what we say before we say them. It started with talking on AIM. Conversation was not direct so you had time to think about what you wanted to say. You could even proof read before you hit enter. We read into the difference between an "lol" and a "ha ha." We learned to sympathize with smiley faces.

Now we tend to chat less. At least full on conversations. Our life is full of updates so people can keep tabs on us. So how many people can we keep tabs on at a time? And what is there to talk about? Are we often satisfied enough with just an update?

One woman expresses: "'At one point I realized I had a friend whose child I had seen, via photos on Flickr, grow from birth to 1 year old,' she said. 'I thought, I really should go meet her in person. But it was weird; I also felt that Flickr had satisfied that getting-to-know you satisfaction, so I didn’t feel the urgency. But then I was like, Oh, that’s not sufficient! I should go in person!' She has about 400 people she follows online but suspects many of those relationships are tissue-fragile. 'These technologies allow you to be much more broadly friendly, but you just spread yourself much more thinly over many more people.'"

Our Dunbar number - the number of friends we can truly have according to scientist Dunbar - is approximately 150. But is that number quantitative or qualitative. Maybe it's an actual amount of friendship we can spare. I remember hearing on NPR a scientist claim we have a quantitative amount of will-power as compared to the quality of our will-power. So I can make this converse argument about our capacity for friendship, couldn't I? (And yes, it appears I want my cyber-flock to know that I listen to NPR).

Is it right to ever deny someone's friend request then? As the Simpsons "A Streetcar Named Marge" episode sings, "A stranger's just a friend you haven't met. You haven't meeeeeeeeeeeet. Streetcar!" So yes, I most certainly have many MANY weak-tied friends. Friends who I like to keep in touch with periodically because, well, I suppose you never know. But I'd like to think weak-tied friends still care enough about each other to be there when we need them to be. I feel that's what they ARE there for. Who knows when you're gonna move nearer to them. Or need a job. Or a friend with benefits?

So I suppose it's back to social networking. Realizing the 6 degrees of separation and redefining the World Wide Web. There you are in the center of a web of people, connected by mutual friends.

I just worry that we care more about what other people think of you than what we think of ourselves. Actions speak louder than words, especially when we have an eternity to chose the right ones to speak for us. And the less in touch we are with who we truly are compared to who we'd like for others to believe we are, the longer it'll take to make every decision. As one girl said, she doesn't even have to make her own decisions for herself:

“I outsource my entire life,” she said. “I can solve any problem on Twitter in six minutes.”

In 6 minutes, she couldn't come up with an answer that satisfied herself. 6 minutes. How long was George W. Bush sitting in that classroom after he heard about the terrorist attack on the World Trade Center?

The more we take the time to decide, the less practice we get thinking instinctively, imaginatively, uninhibitedly. And when we drink, we lose our inhibitions, and certainly we'll start our drunken monologuing, because that's when we can. Plus, you can always use "I was drunk" as an excuse. We're losing responsibility for the actions of our bodies and paying more attention to the responsibility we have bestowed on ourselves to let other people know what we're doing. And I don't know, I think thinking instinctively, uninhibitedly, imaginatively should be default. And we shouldn't have to rely on alcohol or drugs to get in that mindset.

"Yet Ahan knows that she cannot simply walk away from her online life, because the people she knows online won’t stop talking about her, or posting unflattering photos. She needs to stay on Facebook just to monitor what’s being said about her. This is a common complaint I heard, particularly from people in their 20s who were in college when Facebook appeared and have never lived as adults without online awareness. For them, participation isn’t optional. If you don’t dive in, other people will define who you are. So you constantly stream your pictures, your thoughts, your relationship status and what you’re doing — right now! — if only to ensure the virtual version of you is accurate, or at least the one you want to present to the world."

It's like living in a cabin together for a summer at camp. You get to KNOW someone, their thoughts, their feelings, their mannerisms. But this really is a concentration camp - a camp of people concentrating their identities into one web page. A face book. You read up on a person in lieu of face-time. They concentrate on how they want to present themselves instead of how they are. And then when it comes to face-time, you now question how well you want the other person to know you know them. So you ask yourself, and you make decision on how to act. But there you go, you're acting. So we clearly can't hide how much we know about someone else, can we? We should never pretend we don't spend as much time checking in on our friends as we do. We can't be embarrassed of building a repertoire.

There's a lot we know that we don't talk about. What's keeping us from sharing it?
Stupid 1-player internet games.

2008-12-04T00:35:00.001-08:00

Tonight was nostalgic with punk rock and 5th through 9th grade music. And some others. Andrew WK really got the party started. But there as some Sum 41 and Lit. Eve 6 and Stroke 9. Racontours and Rockapella. And some classic rock. We discussed how we now love the things we used to hate as much as we love the things we used to love. Hanson, Spice Girls. Brittany, Christina. N'Sync, Backstreet. Limp Bizkit, Kid Rock. And now of course I love them. Hell, it's almost retro to listen to 90s super pop punk. Smashmouth? Blink 182? Offspring? etc. Anyway, it was a fun night. Drank with Ben and RP for Bender's birthday. He wasn't home for most of it and then came home and went straight to his room to plug in (he's a computer). Made a photo-album of sketches I have saved from class notes. They're bomb.

Tomorrow, I'm taking Bender to the mall for his gift - a picture with Santa.

Cliffnotes on last night's dream

2008-12-01T01:41:00.000-08:00

I wanted to write this out this morning but I didn't have time before rehearsals.

Dream:

Was with Matt from Tony n' Tina (Tony) and some others. One guy kept antagonizing us. Small pushes here and there. We were ready to kick his ass. One more time and we would. He crossed the line and we chased this asshole up a big hill. I tried to be reasonable - I've still never really gotten into a fight - but this guy was straight up challenging us, pushing our buttons til we snapped. We ran up the hill and out of sight. Time passed and Matt and I headed back down the hill. I'm talking to Matt about how I was glad we decided not to throw the first punch and just to intimidate him into never being an asshole like that again. We skipped down the hill and I showed Matt how I could get great airtime when I jumped down the hill. Cool. Great. I took one last big jump toward the bottom of the hill where we started and got massive hang-time. I somewhat lost control and ended up landing on some guy's head and knocking him over. He hit the ground hard and his head splattered on the cement. It was the guy who was instigating shit with us from the beginning. He was dead like roadkill.

I woke up. Checked my phone. Two text messages. I forget their names, but from two lady friends. Both booty calls, I guess I'd gone to bed too early the night before. I looked out my window from the 7th or 8th floor and saw a bunch of clothes lines. I was looking for the guy who's head I'd exploded.

Wait. That was just a dream. Why am I looking for it now. I must still be in a dream. I'm definitely still dreaming. I spun in place. Wake up, wake up!

Wow, I really was dreaming. I'm in my bed. Cool. Wait, why'd I make myself get up? What time is it? I should get up if I want to catch that show.

Cool I made it. It was a 12 woman cast burlesque Renaissance themed cabaret. This reminds me Monty Python. Everything is tongue in cheek. The audience was empty except for me and two couples. There was a stage - in front of it was a place to sit and watch while lounging on pillows and to it's stage-left were dining tables with candles on them. I moved from the tables to the pillows to get more comfortable. I don't remember too much of the context of the show, but I was thoroughly enjoying it. It played every Wednesday night I saw - okay, so this is more like sketch comedy. Everything was very viewpoint-y and there were many entrances and exits. With repetition. And faux Shakespearean dialects with random -iths thrown in as a running joke. I made eye contact with several of the cast members who seemed turned on by my attendance but this was only my own interpretation of them "breaking" and sneaking glances at me.

Finally whoever I was meeting up with showed up and I told her that I thought some of the cast was coming on to me. She laughed and we went to the lobby for pretzels and drinks. We checked the schedule and resolved to come again some time.

And then I woke up for realsies.

11:11pm - November 28, 2008

2008-11-28T23:11:00.000-08:00

"I'm gonna give Magic a good washin' tomorrow. What do I have to do tomorrow? What time is it?" 11:11

By the way, the answer is nothing I didn't already know about. Holy crap, I actually knew my schedule without having to check outlook to be sure!

So I'll bathe Magic. I'm gonna meet up for lunch with Stephen Faulkner. I'm coming in to the show early to teach a track. Doing the show (who knows who I'll be playing). And I think I'd like to go out tomorrow night.

On a sidenote: my bills were expensive this month ... gonna keep my roommates in check.

Speaking of check, they owe me checks.

Need more Weezer Red

2008-11-28T16:58:00.000-08:00

Good for a reboot
*power up*
Aaaaaand Tony!

Oh yeah, Geniality!

2008-11-22T14:42:00.000-08:00

hanging out in a speedo! must be laundry day!

I saw Chess on Thursday night. Somewhat impressed with certain-ness ... but the whole production felt like it had one of those plunger muting things (used with trumpets) over it. I was there by myself, which is fine I guess. At intermission I realized everyone from Rocky was there. And I was like, well, I don't want to bother them. And then as the second half was starting, I was thinking, well, why not? I like those people! Why wouldn't I say hi?? Suddenly the show was a lot more enjoyable. I remembered who I was there to see. I was HAPPY to see them! And they were doing a great job! After the show, I was really happy to greet them and see them out of character and celebrate their show.

And then yesterday was great. I made leaps and bounds in my monologue for The Eight. Learned how to email myself all pictures from my cellphone and made a facebook photo album. Then I met up with Emily last night to see Rana (friend from The Eight) in her current (though ending) show The Monk. And it was great. Put on by the company No Nude Men. Great company! And that dude who played Thu in the Emo revival was in it and I was like, holy shit Emo! Emily and I went out with Rana and the cast (minus Emo) after the show to Thieves on 16th and Guerrero. Snagged a booth. Played pool. Then decided to go to Martuni's. Went with Rana, Emily, and a guy named Chris, I think, but I'm just gonna call him CPK. Didn't get to sing; we showed up too late. Then had breakfast at like 2 in the morning at ... some place. Eggs Benedict. Got a free piece of bacon just cause I asked a cook for it when I was in line for the bathroom. Then played 'sang along with singer/songwriter Rana and her guitar' outside the resteraunt. And CPK gave me a ride home - how nice!

Came home to Ryan and his friends up and atom around the bonfire in the backyard. Did some hanging out. Ryan got a booty call and we had a great laugh about it. Decided that if she came over, we would "wooo" Shatner style the whole time. Did a couple flaming dr. peppers with Diego. Talked girls while I played solitaire (Dolan's got me gunning for two wins in a row now).

Wearing my blue speedo, my open north face jacket, and black Doc Martens. No socks. Kinda thinking of dressing like this more often.

The thing about when I'm high is ...

2008-11-21T10:53:00.001-08:00

I sometimes stop trying to be anyone. Somewhere along the line, I started thinking that trying was trying too hard and that anything I did was lame or unoriginal. I lose my instinct and everything becomes a decision. I started caring too much about not caring and things became a lot less fun. I still slip into that mindset sometimes when I'm high. I have a lot to learn about life. And even though I think I've discovered some of life's secrets, I'm not able to practice what I preach. Which must mean I'm not at peace with myself yet. I had it for a while though, I really did.

No Jizz Mopping

2008-11-19T13:33:00.001-08:00

"I loved your rendition of the character and enjoyed watching you perform ... I was very impressed with your performance and genuinely enjoyed meeting you. Unfortunately..." - Raul (director of The Towel Boy)

Comitment

2008-11-19T00:00:00.001-08:00

Man, I just don't do relationships... I have such a fear of "all or nothing." I just see that as ultimately what women want. Time for men is time they've been putting off. Time for women is time they've been building up. And ultimately, I don't want to hurt anybody.

Ya saw that coming

2008-11-18T00:11:00.000-08:00

"a great sense of comedy and terrific timing." - Shane Ray Ray of Light

"Unfortunately" - Shane Ray Ray of Light

11:11pm - November 16, 2008

2008-11-16T23:12:00.000-08:00

There've been other 1:11's and 11:11's but I didn't get them down.

What's tonight been like? Eh, not smoking pot tonight. That's good - gonna consciously cut back a lot. Watched Simpsons, Family Guy, SNL, Spiderman. Thought about cuddling. 11:11.

Gonna watch Adult Swim and go to bed. Work tomorrow then rehearsals.

Yuk

2008-11-16T03:36:00.000-08:00

If I do get cast in "I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change," I'm going to get back in touch with Richard Nichol.

I'm embarrassed to sing in front of my roommates but totally fine in front of complete strangers. I haven't been told I'm a good singer in 8 months.

The more I think about it, the more I'm certain I didn't get in. I saw Rocky again tonight, and I think maybe I caught two girls being told they were in. And if I were in, wouldn't he maybe have told me? I'm pretty certain.

I really do hope I do get in though. I want to impress the shit out of people.

So fucking good seeing Aileen Clark and Mark Koss tonight.

Remember

2008-11-15T02:46:00.000-08:00

The world is out there, not in here.

Practice what I preach

2008-11-13T22:21:00.000-08:00

I got this as part of a facebook message from an old friend/old friend's younger brother.

"...I didn't forget what you said about things are always good. Talked to a priest guy, 63 or so--gives people their last rights in the hospital when they die. Course he's actually an agnostic, more closer to Buddhist than anything.
Then a lesbian from alaska, something like 30, talked about the herb for a while.
A dude from Australia who's 27 years old and been married for eight of 'em.
It's like a motif. They all word it differently, all have discovered it differently but they got it. It's like a universal truth.

That's some good stuff ya got."

Ya, I really do need to remind myself. Things ARE always good.

I would like to meditate more. But I can take my mind so many places, I don't know the best direction to focus my thoughts. Recently I've been meditating on love. I wish I knew where to focus my love, but since I don't, I meditate on loving myself. And that's been.. very very good for me.

I mean ... wow.

2008-11-12T14:19:00.000-08:00

Let's just open up my calendar and see where I've been.

Monday was work. Took Ryan to get a cage.

Tuesday, November 4. BIG DAY. Holy crap. Went to work dressed in red white and blue. Lots of hope. Came home from work and took roommate Ryan to go get our new friends - THE CHINCHILLAS!

This is Hank. And there's also Gertrude, though her name was temporarily Barack Hussein Obama.

They're awesome.

Then election-ness. Followed every detail, county by county as they were announced. What an unbelievable victory. Ohio, Florida, Indiana. Jeeze. Also followed Senate race. Go Dems! Still anxiously awaiting to see if Mass picked Franken or not... hope so! And let me just say ... OBAMA, BABY! CHANGE! Man... I was so happy. Still am. (Stupid prop 8 taking away the glory).

Wednesday, November 5 - Work. Played "Yes we can" and "Celebration" all day. Thought about going to the zoo - didn't.

Went to my first DUI class. Every Wednesday now from 5:30-8:30 for the next three months. Kinda ridiculous - apparently I'm an alcoholic. Except I'm not. The funny thing is, well ... there's a LOT of funny things. I'll keep better track tonight. Our instructor is a former crack-head. There are two actual alcoholics in the class and that's ... interesting. And pretty much everyone there smokes cigarettes. No mention of THAT addiction.. did a lot of doodling. Watched a movie about Russian torture. And that's about it. Wee!

Came home, watched the South Park episode - loved it.

Thursday, November 6 - work. Easy day. Pretty sure I drank that night (just to prove I wasn't an alcoholic). Oh yes. Definitely did, because on

Friday, November 7
HOLY SHIT I'M 23!!

Went out to lunch for all you can eat sushi. That was a lot of fucking sushi. Went to Jason's place to play Rock Band for a couple hours. Went home, got ready, went to my show. Was supposed to play Dominic; played Vinnie. Getting to announce my own birthday was fun. Came home, won two games of beer pong and watched European vacation. Great birthday.

Saturday, November 8

Two shows. Was supposed to be Dominic for the matinee, was Barry. Smoked a j with Matt and Sean in between shows and walked to Safeway. It was a fun high - a familiar high, reminiscent of the old days when smoking pot was just fun. I still got a little paranoid I wouldn't sober up for the show, but I was fine by the time we left Safeway.

Matt was too tired to do Tony that night so I said I'd do it for him. Was supposed to be Dom, was Tony. Got married in front of nearly 200 people. Let me just say the new space is fantastic.

After the show, had a drink or two, went over to Matt's with Jeremy, Molly and Allison (though not before Matt got hammered and we stayed on a corner for a while etc). Smoked pots, played music, met AV Havasey (sp?) - an author - who gave us grilled cheese and green olives w/ pimentos. Watched the old Hulk show, talked with the sunglassed author. Left for home at 2:22.

Sunday, November 9

AN AUDITION! I auditioned for a show called The Eight: Reindeer Monologues. Emily McGowan referred me. I was auditioning for Comet, the baddass thug-life reindeer so I decided to audition with the Dennis Leary monologue from Natural Born Killers. Emily had sent me the script and I'd read that the night before. I'd emailed the director late the night before to see if I could still come in to audition. Woke up early to see if he'd said yes. He'd said yes. Went back to sleep. Woke up again and studied the monologue and script a little more. Felt pretty good leaving the audition. Came home and watched television. And that's when my computer failed.

It took all the way until today to finally start working again. It had been "repairing" itself. Just stopped "repairing" itself about an hour ago. Woo!

Monday, November 10
Work in the morning.

ANOTHER AUDITION at night! The show: "I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change." A musical. Very nervous. Wasn't thinking I was gonna do it but convinced myself it was a great idea. And I think it was. I sang "It's a Shpadoinkle Day" from Cannibal the Musical. And somewhere along the line I actually learned how to sing. I think it has 100% to do with confidence. I CAN sing. I just have to always know that. (Though I do want to learn how to sing softly so that I can practice notes quietly to myself, like in a hallway or something).

They didn't even ask me to read my monologue. Waited in the hall for other people to finish then went over to another room for improv games. Freeze and hitchhiker. Haven't played THOSE games in FOREVER! Felt really rusty. But also felt better than the other people in the room. At least I didn't stop-block everything like ... most of the people in there. Wish I got to do more with Emily and Sarah Farrell.

OH! While I was in the hallway waiting, I got a call from The Eight: Reindeer Monologues offering me the part! I got it! I got Comet! Finally something new! A new, PAYING, gig. Something to rehearse, memorize, study, become absorbed in OH I'm so happy about it! Something new for the resume too! And did I mention it's paying? Really really excited. One bit of bitter-sweet news however - I didn't realize it, but I was up against Nic Knerr for the role. He texted me to ask if I had auditioned, and I put the pieces together. I think we're gonna hang out Friday night. Ya, I just added "Nic at Night" to my schedule for Friday.

So after the improv stuff, we went back into the hallway. They came out a little later asked a few of us to come back in to receive sides for callbacks the next day. I went home and studied the songs (using roommates' computers and youtube) and read the scenes over and again.

Tuesday, November 11

11/11. Huh.

Work in the morning. Came home. Studied. Listened to the songs. Did some around-the-house stuff. Studied some more. Rehearsed my song. Really trying to "find my voice." Don't like catching myself TRYING to sound like something.

Solo rehearsal with the director for The Eight. Went in, read the monologue to him around the table. "What do you think of Comet?" "I like him. He's found something to believe in. He's been saved" etc. Still hadn't read the rest of the play so he asked me to do that before tonight's rehearsal (in 5 hours). He then asked me to try to do the monologue without reading it. I actually nailed the first 4-5 pages or so. But I lost it when it came to the stuff I had to say about the other reindeer and that made sense because they were really just names to me at that point - as I hadn't read who they were yet! The director told me he was VERY happy with me, and secretly happy the other guy dropped out because he thought I was much better. Now THAT felt awesome.

Went around the block to Mission where callbacks for "I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change" would be taking place. Had about an hour and a half. Read more outside. Sang more to myself. Fluctuating opinions of myself. Left to take a crap. Came back, rehearsed more. Went up for callbacks.

It's pretty awesome how many people I knew there. Sarah Farrell, Amanda Dolan, Megan Barrows. The girl who played Janet, the girl who played Magenta, a guy who played a phantom from Rocky Horror. Emily McGowan, Holly Nugent from TnT (no Ashley Cowan - saw her at the audition - aw). So like, that was cool. I was happy to read with everyone. And there were only like 4 GUYS at the callback. I don't know man ... I'm just excited to have been called back. And to be 1 out of 4. Well ... I don't know how many guys auditioned. It's just, singing seemed to be such a last priority with how they utilized me for the callback. I read with about half of the women there for both scenes they gave me. And then they had me sing at the end right before excusing me. And I think I sounded alright, but then I also imagine myself on American Idol thinking I'm the shit when really I'm just shit. So ... I have no idea how other people perceive my voice. I just know how critical I am of how it sounds to me. I'll very very likely get a vocal coach if I get cast. Just for my own sanity and for an honest opinion. I think. Then again ... I can't afford that.

Okay well I treated myself to McDonalds on the way home, hung out with camp friends who happened to be over, and fell asleep reading the final monologue of The Eight. Have a full cast rehearsal for that right after my DUI class tonight. Busy fun week. It all goes very fast, working nearly every morning, doing the show every weekend. But at the same time, it's a lot. Glad I got it all out on here.

Elizabeth George on Race in America

2008-11-02T18:08:00.000-08:00

There are any number of reasons why election 2008 is unusual, and one of them has to do with the presence of circumstances that generally cause governmental power to pass from one political party to another. We find ourselves facing at least eight of those circumstances right now:

1). A war in Afghanistan that has gone on since 2001 although conveniently fading from interest because of
2). A war in Iraq that has gone on since 2003;
3). An economy in which more than 700,000 jobs have been lost since last January;
4). Vast numbers of individuals losing their homes due to a crisis in lending fueled by allowing people to borrow money based on no guarantee that that money could be repaid;
5). An increase in the price of fuel and food;
6). A sudden disastrous decline in the stock market resulting in a massive bailout which will be financed by the taxpayers;
7).Mounting medical costs coming face-to-face with the difficulties of obtaining health insurance; and
8).Declining educational achievement that has gone unaltered by such ill-named programs as “No Child Left Behind” in which students are tested and tested but nothing else is done to improve their educational lot in life.

These are the kinds of circumstances that have, historically, caused people to storm their polling places in order to toss out the governing party. Indeed, when you consider that added to these circumstances is the fact that the current President—a Republican—was the President when the largest terrorist attack in history within our country took place, and when you consider that the current President had been warned by the former President—a Democrat—to be ready for just this kind of occurrence, it does stand to reason that a few moments of careful thought might lead a voter to conclude that the best bet this year would be to allow the other party to take over for a while.

The polls should show this. No amount of mavericking on the part of a Republican candidate should convince anyone to allow any Republican near the seat of power for some time to come. The fact that this election is still up in the air is an absolute curiosity to me, and because the Democratic candidate is an African-American, my thoughts have turned to racism as one of the possible reasons why this election isn’t a rout.

Now, racism usually doesn’t announce itself in someone’s life. It doesn’t arrive with whistles blowing and fireworks going on around it. Rather, it’s a subtle thing, there before you know it and often before you are even old enough to frame a question about it. Here is how it was introduced in my own life:

When I was about six years old, my mom called me into the kitchen of our house on Todd Street in Mountain View, California. She asked me to get on my bicycle and ride to the end of the street because she had seen a child riding his own bike out there and she wanted me to track him down. The house at the far end of the street had sold, you see, and the little boy out riding his bike was African American. She asked me to ride up there to the corner of Todd Street and Dennis Lane to try to find out if that little boy was part of a family who might have moved into the neighborhood.

Although I was only a child, I knew intuitively that my mother wasn’t seeking this information because she wanted to roll out the welcome mat or send a plate of cookies up the block. She had never made a request like that of me before, and this was during the 1950s, when there lingered over many people a fear that can best be expressed with the phrase “There goes the neighborhood.” People somehow believed that the arrival of a minority family meant that their immediate surroundings would quickly turn into a ghetto.

I was an obedient child, so I got on my bike and pedaled up the street. As it turned out, the little boy in question was not moving into that house, nor was his family. I didn’t have to ask. He was nowhere to be found. But what has remained in my mind for more than fifty years is the memory of my mom asking me to investigate and what it told me about her that she thought it appropriate to ask me to do so.

This is how racism is introduced into a child’s life: through a request like that, through a casual comment, through a gesture, through a subtle act of contempt, through an overheard conversation. It is often introduced by people who would not consider themselves the least bit racist. Indeed, until push comes to shove in their lives and they must take a position, they probably never even think about race.

Aside from that moment in the kitchen, race was not a topic of conversation in our family until I got to Holy Cross High School when, in my sophomore year, I became acquainted with a group of African American boys from St. Francis High School, which was down the road. Then race did become an overt issue for my mom, and this was unfortunate because it brought into our home a side of her that I would vastly have preferred not to see. I’m not sure to this day what my mom was afraid of in connection with my acquaintance with these boys. They were only part of a group of kids who comprised a racial blend of native American, Hispanic, Anglo, and African American that, to my way of thinking then and now, ought to have made her proud instead of what she was, which was terrified…of something.

To her credit, she never once used a racial epithet to voice her displeasure. But voice it she did, and what she wasn’t capable of seeing at the time was the primary attraction this group had for me: They were wonderfully fun to be around. Their parties were the best to go to because everyone danced and no one was condemned to being a wallflower. Their parties weren’t about getting drunk, getting high, or getting anything. I will say some serious smooching went on although, alas, I was never a smoochee. Their parties were merely about having fun and fun meant dancing and everyone danced. They were, in short, my introduction to the idea of inclusion, and let me tell you that was an incredible gift to a rather badly dressed, spotty-faced girl who had not the slightest hope of being included in much of anything else.
I was relieved when the issue of race finally came out of the closet a couple of weeks ago in this Presidential election. It had been the dead elephant in the middle of the living room for quite some time, with people talking privately about it but no one willing to drag it out into the light of day. This is generally what happens with issues that are inherently unattractive and potentially explosive: If they are swept under the carpet, the thinking goes, perhaps we won’t have to deal with them. But the history of race relations in America demands that the issue be looked at and talked about openly. If we do not address it now—with the future of the country at stake—then when, indeed, are we going to address it?

I was a voter in California when Tom Bradley ran for governor. This was in the early 80s and there are readers of this who likely don’t know about that election. Tom Bradley was uniquely prepared to be our governor. He had been a policeman in Los Angeles; he had served on the LA city council; he had been a successful mayor of Los Angeles for a good number of years. He was running at the perfect time for Democrats to take over the reins of the government, and things were looking very good for him in the polls as the election day arrived. He lost, however. But the fact that he lost is not nearly as interesting as the slate of winners in that election: Every one of them was a Democrat, like Bradley himself. What I mean to say is that although Bradley the Democrat lost, the other Democrats representing every other state level office won: lieutenant governor, secretary of state, treasurer…Need I go on? The polls had Bradley a sure winner in advance of the election; the exit polls had him a winner as people left the voting booths. But those people had lied to pollsters because they could not say what had driven their votes for Bradley’s opponent that election day: Tom Bradley was an African American man and his opponent was white.

There are people in America right now who plan to vote in a similar fashion. They plan to vote for every Democrat on the ballot except for Barack Obama. They will phrase their reasons in a hundred and one different ways. At one end will be those who see themselves as clever intellectuals and they will vote for all the Democrats and then for John McCain, saying that “the House and the Senate will keep McCain from doing anything crazy.” At the other end are people who say things like a man called Dale from South Bend, Washington, who spoke to Seattle Times reporter Danny Westneat but who, naturally, would not give his last name. Those people will be forthright like Dale: “Let me tell you, I was driving and saw that bumper sticker ‘Veterans for Obama.’ I couldn’t believe it. When was that nigger ever in the service?”

And there it is. Nigger. There’s the word. Amazing, isn’t it, that in 2008 it would cross anyone’s mind, let alone come out of his mouth? And yet there it is.

It’s a nasty word, but I wonder if it’s any nastier than the subtler terms used to make unnecessary distinctions between people? For example, how much worse is it for Dale to use the word nigger than it is for people over their cocktails to confess that they “just can’t vote for a black man” or remark that they “just can’t see a black family in the White House”? Aren’t those people the same as Dale?
Early in the election process, I had the opportunity to talk to one of my cousins about this issue. It came up because she said to me that her concern about Barack Obama was that although he is half white “he thinks of himself as a black man.” This worried her, and we talked about it. Specifically we talked about the fact that historically in the United States, people with as little as a single drop of African blood were considered black, and, as a country we developed all sorts of fascinating words to describe them: octoroon, quadroon, mulatto, for example. It can hardly be surprising, then, that Senator Obama thinks of himself as black since there isn’t likely to be a single person in America who’s going to think of him as anything else. I pointed out to my cousin that taking some time to listen to Senator Obama’s message might reassure her. So that’s what she did.

She listened right up to, into, and through the Democratic convention, and what won her over to Barack Obama didn’t turn out to be Barack Obama at all. It turned out to be his wife. The night after Michele Obama spoke at the convention, my cousin called me. She could hardly contain her admiration for Michele Obama and her enthusiasm for the fact that Michele Obama might become First Lady. “She’s wonderful,” were her exact words.

For me, watching the Democratic convention was, in so many ways, like returning to the girl I was in high school, the one who went to those mixed race parties where everybody danced with everybody else. The racial mix among the delegates comprised the face of the real America, the America that my mom was afraid of more than forty years ago, the America that we have become. The racial mix on the stage after Senator Obama’s acceptance speech at Mile High Stadium represented what is possible in this country once people put away their fear. There they stood: Senator Obama’s great-uncle, a white World War II veteran in his 80s; the Senator’s sister, half Malaysian and half white; his African American brother-in-law and mother-in-law; his own mixed race daughters and Joe Biden’s blonde granddaughters…Up on that stage, there were Asians, African-Americans, Anglos, and mixtures of all of the above. And as the camera panned over the crowd applauding the group, the faces shown were every color, every race, and every age. For me sitting at home—older now than my mom was when she spoke her fears about my friendship with kids from other races, far older than when she asked her little girl to ride her bike up the street and find out if that African American boy had moved into the neighborhood—it was a moment during which I was so very proud of our country and so thrilled to be alive and able to witness such a coming together of so many people of such diversity.

Later in the month, then, I watch the Republican National Convention. I confess that I did not watch all of it because I became disturbed by the derision with which the Vice Presidential nominee along with other Republicans spoke about Senator Obama. I did, however, watch on the night that Senator McCain gave his acceptance speech and I confess that I watched for one reason only: I wanted to count the minority faces that I saw in the crowd.

In order to do this, I never took my eyes off the screen. I counted twenty-nine minority faces. I had to delete three of them, however, when my husband informed me that one of them was Senator McCain’s adopted daughter from Bangladesh and I later discovered that two others were an Asian cabinet member of President Bush’s along with her husband. That took the total down to twenty-six. Twenty. Six. 20 + 6.

That sea of white faces is the way some people want to visualize America. But not only is that sea of white faces not representative of America now, it is also not representative of America at any time in its history. The question is, are we finally big enough as a people to face that fact? The question is, are we ready to embrace it?

With the country brought to its knees by the policies of a Republican government, this election should be the most decisive victory for the Democratic party in the history of our elections. The fact that it has even been close, the fact that the Republicans could actually be returned to the White House for another four years after the last eight does not just fly in the face of every election in recent history. It also acts as searing testimony to the fears that still dominate some people’s decisions: fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of skin color, fear of things unexperienced or misunderstood.

You know, over and over again I have wished that my mom were alive to see the unfolding of this election. But I do not wish it as a way of proving to her that she was wrong about my friendship with those kids more than forty years ago. For as time passed, my mom’s view broadened rather than narrowed. Into our house in Mountain View came people of other races, gay people, military people, religious people, agnostics, atheists, writers, musicians, and artists. My mom learned to laugh more, she learned to lighten up just a bit, and she even learned to think it was funny when I swore like a sailor at her dinner table, as was my wont. And were my mother alive today, there is not a single doubt in my mind that she would be voting for Barack Obama. She would vote for him not only because Barack Obama is a Democrat and my mother would rather have been knocked down by a cement truck than have voted for a Republican, but also because she would have seen in him youth, promise, intelligence, and the future she had come to recognize as something she need not ever have feared.

Elizabeth George
Whidbey Island, Washington

11:11pm - November 1, 2008

2008-11-02T16:02:00.001-08:00

Jeremy and his girlfriend notice that it's 11:11 and say "make a wish" while we're upstairs getting peanutbutter sandwiches to go with our mushrooms.

11:11am - November 1, 2008

2008-11-01T15:52:00.001-07:00

Woke up. Computer malfunctioned last night. Grabbed the computer to see if things were working better in the morning. Thought about how much I drank last night: shot of absinthe, 3 losing games of beer pong, shot of gentleman's jack, flaming dr. pepper, lots of vodka soaked pineapple, shot of cherry vodka, sip of jungle juice. Thought about whether it really was better for me to have made myself puke it out when I wasn't feeling well. Computer finally turned on. 11:11

Good craigslist find

2008-10-29T16:36:00.001-07:00

Seeking a sexual tyrannosaur for a romp in the park - w4m

Date: 2008-10-12, 3:14PM PDT

I am a very career-focused, attractive, 5'9, 120lb woman who is seeking a man who is willing to fulfill my ultimate sexual fantasy. I am an executive with a very successful corporation that keeps me very busy and I sometimes have difficulty finding men who share similar interests to my own in the bedroom.

Nothing turns me on more then Jurassic Park themed role play. You must be the animatronic dinosaur, and I must be the helpless child (Tim or Lex) stuck in the park at your mercy.

You will growl mechanically into my ear and stare threateningly. I will feign panic and search for the flash light in the back seat of the visitor jeep. You will sniff at the window slowly and then release a robotic roar into the night air. I scream for Alan Grant, but your over sized robot jaws come crashing down through the overhead window, pinning me to the floor.

I cannot stress this enough however, you must play as a ROBOTIC dinosaur. This is very specific, my interest lie entirely in animatronic dinosaurs, not real ones. I thought I should mention this as there have been unfortunate miscommunications in the past, leading to performances that have left me without an orgasm.

Other situations could include you being the dilophasaurus and spitting in my face and then going for my jugular. Or you could be the ill and moaning triceratops, and I would be Ellie Sadler, digging through your stool to find the source of the ailment. More or less any scene from the film involving a mechanical dinosaur interacting with a human will do fine.

I don't like wasting my time, so make sure you do your homework and watch the film and make sure you can fully embrace the mindset of an animatronic dinosaur. I am an incredibly sexual person and I would make it a blockbuster night that you would never forget.

1:11pm - October 29, 2008

2008-10-29T13:11:00.000-07:00

Just posted the thing about getting screwed. Wondered if they could legally prosecute me for anything I write on this blog (good thing this is purely for entertainment and everything I write on here is fiction). Checked the time.

screwed

2008-10-29T13:07:00.000-07:00

from Saucilito

AUDITION - The Towel Boy

2008-10-28T16:33:00.001-07:00

I went in today to audition for The Towel Boy. It's going to be a raunchy teen comedy, probably pretty stupid funny, I think about a homophobic dude who owes a lot of money to the Russian mafia so he ends up with a job working at a gay spa as a towel boy. Along the way he meets many-a ridiculous character like the friendly gay giant and the angry gay midget etc etc..

I initially was going in for two roles. One was the main character's best friend who's a super-wigger and the other was Jizz Mopper. I got to the audition and met a big black dude who was signing people in and decided just to read for Jizz Mopper (hahaha ... fuck me). Anyway, that's the part I knew I wanted anyway. How could I resist.

I think I nailed it. I'm really happy with how I did and the impression I made. Sidenote: I really need to figure out who my favorite actor is so that I know who to say when people ask me. As it went, I said Jim Carrey. Favorite movie he's in: Man in the Moon, which isn't even true. I definitely love him more in Eternal Sunshine or Truman Show..

So this is all pre-pre-production. If they like me, I'll be coming in to film a preliminary trailer for the movie. Then I think once they have the trailer they'll go from there. But uh ... for whatever reason, I see myself sticking with this piece. I think they liked me, and I think I'll really get along with the people behind this production. Raul the writer/director seemed to have a special little twinkle in his eye for me. Or maybe I'm projecting.

Jizz Mopper. Fingers crossed.

sleep writes revisited

2008-10-28T14:07:00.000-07:00

(i wrote this all last night and fell asleep before clicking post)
-------
it's easy to spit out words, but hard to add meaning to them.

I tried a few sleep writes tonight: sleep writes being an idea I came up with in 10th grade where I literally fall asleep typing only to wake up and read it later. I was able to do it again, spewing out nonsequitous words and images and phrases. But I suppose it all fails to communicate anything! It's far more difficult to explain in detail an image I see in my head while I'm sleeping. I can type anything I see, and let images flash before my eyes like wildfire: I'll do it right now:

turkey fishing on the fireplace that lifts like a chimney and dandles there on a rope ladder fishing net did i already use fish i think i did use fish, yes, fish on rollerskates that skate around the rink and dance their jigs on poles that press them up against the glass, sharp poles. polish polish, and that's how they do it! Pinacle knuckles dragging speared tomatoes with wounds and mangos with cataracts. they found watermelon prints and skinned the man who used to own this truck, his name was earl. earl was a kind one with two fine lips and a dry hat, mjuch like the gray hat you have on tonight, missy! meahahahaha. it's good to be the king when you find images of cars on the yard and face the fact that you never really evern wanted to bea pirate! you used wtoside the ninjas, if you were forced to picl! but that's another story that'll happen another night. but honestly i think that was just a stock look away kind of spot. Part of me feels like i'm really aleep and part of me hears myself say that, and know i'm not. because i'm 57.

That probably made no sense, as I didn't pay one bit of attention to what I was typing. So now I'll try to actually explain everything I am thinking about and/or seeing in my head when I close my eyes. The problem is that it'll be almost completely unlikely I'll be able to fall asleep because I'll be having to think harder about what I'm saying. But let's give it a try.

It's impossible. I had it for a while. i was talking about this ska scene I was picturing, and then the inturrupting thoughts took over and I was only typing those thoughts instead of what I saw.

And just then, I actually fell asleep trying to think of what to type. Seriously, I just slept for, well I have no idea for how long. Bu the conclusion of that dream was that "ultimately, everythint is nothing" so I could just go and keep going not ive up. okyay this asian kid is running from the cops, or something .. and hes crying, he looks like he's ben hur - bace hards,

Gymnastic Superstars

2008-10-27T21:18:00.000-07:00

I'm watching this waiting for the roommates to assemble for Heroes. I remember catching one of these freestyle events years ago and really enjoying what I saw. One man's routine set him as a nerd, where he kept doing incredible tricks and messing up "big," as a nerd might. It got me laughing and appreciating the talent behind gymnastics - this was when I was like 8. Or 10. Or 11.

Okay so I'm watching now expecting to see some fun stuff. But I forgot that all of these athletes are between the ages of 15 and 18!! So the music they're dancing to is stuff like the Jonas brothers! In fact, I'm pretty sure the Jonas brothers just performed (I changed the channel when this guy with a forced hipster mop-top started belting a whiny emo voice set to catch major chords.

It opened with 8 of these guys dancing on the springy floor. And yeah, they're busting out some impressive tricks. And one of these guys is actually a good dancer! But I just can't look past the extreme shittiness in the culmination of it all.

I see some of them busting moves you'd see in capoeira or something. And that got me thinking... look, they've already won gymnastics. Great. Now they should go into fighting. That seems like the best career move. But I bet they're all WAY too big of pussies.

So here it is gold medal gymnasts: I officially challenge you to take up fighting. Mixed martial arts. Do it. I dare you. I fucking double dare you. I fucking physical challenge you. Do it. Don't think about it. Just do it. Do it.

11:11 dream - what?!?

2008-10-25T11:10:00.001-07:00

I don't remember much of my dream last night. But at some point, my dad was with me and we were petting Magic, my dog. He asked if I was remembering to put on what's called Advantage solution - a monthly flea killer. I said I was remembering and that I was pretty sure the next application of it was coming up. I also in the dream at one point noticed that it was 11:11. I was excited and tried to note what maybe I should notice. In doing so, the dream became lucid and I couldn't stay asleep and then woke up. I checked the time on my phone and it said 2:23pm. This was bad because that means I slept through my matinee show today! I looked for any missed calls and found none - surprising! I decided to just go back to sleep; it was already too late to worry about it. I fell back asleep hunching on the unlikeliness of this situation and dawned on the reality that it probably wasn't 2:23. When I woke up, I woke up. Grabbed my computer to come take a shit and get ready for the day (thought maybe I'd take a bath this morning; still haven't ruled it out). First thing I am reminded - thank you Microsoft Office calendar (that controls my life) - is to apply the Advantage solution - a monthly flea killer - to Magic, my dog. Tomorrow. Then that part of the dream comes back to me, my dad being there, the 11:11 part of it, and I determine to blog it.

thought of the night

2008-10-23T23:51:00.001-07:00

We used to get distracted by things. Now we get distracted by thoughts.

1:11pm - October 22, 2008

2008-10-22T13:20:00.000-07:00

Heading home from work alone. Feel like smoking. Shouldn't - going to the gym tonight. Should I go the gym? I feel like going to the beach. When I get home, I'm going to get high, watch Yo Gabba Gabba and take a nap. No, I'm going to post on facebook that I want to go to the beach, then get high, then watch Yo Gabba Gabba, then take a nap. Hopefully someone will wake me up to go to the beach. What time is it? 1:11.

Dream at the piers

2008-10-22T02:26:00.001-07:00

I dreamed last night I was on a boat to heaven.

No.

I dreamed last night I was walking along a pier with my mother. Looking on it as if it were a movie, we stood on a balcony walkway to the left. Looking down from there, you could see many docks, almost like you'd see at Pier 39 where all the sea lions are. Back to looking at it as a movie, you could see the pier on the left had stairs down and toward the audience. And right at the front of the screen all across the bottom was another deck, but on a lower level. It also was enclosed except for the part that looked out into the bay. And there were shops around there; it kind of felt like the lower level of a baseball stadium, where you could look in at the stadium and out at vendors, and it was crowded to get through. Okay, I've illustrated it.So my mom and I were walking along that top level diagonal walkway looking down at the bay. And on every one of the docks was a single piano at the "inside" edge ("inside" referring to the water in between the two rows of docks), facing out (so that the people playing pianos would be facing each other). We were watching the crowds of people come and go on the lower level and the few who would head out to the docks to play the pianos and we were having fun just observing.

My mom then pointed out to me that one of the pianos out there was my brother Adam's old piano that we'd donated. I was somewhat apathetic, understanding now that this is where all donated pianos wound up. My mom wanted us to go down to the first level and out into the bay onto the docks to play the piano but I didn't want to do it because Adam's was so far out we'd have to climb over all of them to get out there that far. But my mom insisted so I went along with her idea even though I didn't want to.

Going down the stairs, I sensed that Adam was around. And sure enough, we walked by him and a bunch of students in school with him, obviously yet highly coincidentally on a field trip at the same time we happened to be here. In passing I tried acknowledging to him that his old piano was out there, but he seemed uninterested and we really only had time for a brief wave and smile.

My mom took the lead trying to get into the water and onto the docks. I tried to stop her, but she ended up plunging right into the water. She was visibly upset but trying not to show how embarrassed she was. I had to help her out of the water. I tried going first this time then saw that Adam was already out ahead of us. So now I had to make sure Adam didn't go out to far and that my mom was able to follow along with us. I ended up having to swim ahead, grab some of the floating pieces of wood and push them over to my mom for her to step on one at a time before we made it to the docks with the pianos on them. Once we made it to those, we'd be able to just jump from one to the next, but it was a matter of getting there first. The whole time, I was trying not to be frustrated, but I also wanted to just get it over with. I had no sentimental attachment to playing Adam's old piano, but I guess I did find it cool that it was there. I don't recall if we actually made it out to that dock as my dream suddenly filled with water and I started surfing.

I was in the ocean trying to surf. I tried a few times and but never really made it up. I wouldn't wipe out but rather I'd just kind of ride over the wave, catching it before it broke. I at first wasn't paddling to catch a wave, just trying to get myself standing. Then I finally remembered I had to paddle to ride along with the wave and I started to at least get a feel for it. I finally made it up once, very distinctly pushing myself up to a standing position as I felt the wave pull me forward on my board. It was a great feeling. I rode the wave until I fell off after the wave had mostly settled and I got excited to try again.

I woke up thinking about the "push-up" motion you have to do to get onto your feet from the lying down. I was proud that I'd gotten up once and wanted to brag about it, or practice some more, but my bed started coming into focus as my dream unraveled. Good to remember it now.

nothing special

2008-10-20T00:36:00.000-07:00

I've come up with a new way to treat my dog when he rumages through our garbage. I'm going to take him by the collar and have him "help" me clean the mess he's made. then i'll put him outside. when I let him in, I'll have him shake my hand and then we'll be bros again.

Saw the new Mark Jackson play "Machinal" over at State today. Fucking incredible what he does. The sound engineering on the piece was masterful and the final scene at the electric chair was great. A very cool play.

Went to the fraternity meeting today - hadn't been all semester. Good to see it's still running somewhat. I really think they take what I have to say seriously. I have good things to say. I ran the fraternity quite successfully for a full year, I think I have a good sense of how to tweak things for the better in all cases.

Saw W. two nights ago - I really enjoyed it. Not too scathing. Movie kind of makes you like bush (if you like Texans), but hate Christianity. "God wants me to be president..." fuck man, how can we live in a country that would elect based on divine prophesey... Pretty excellent work on behalf of Brolin, Banks and Dreyfus.

I want to see Choke so bad.

Watched football. Watched Superjail. Love Sundays off. Not feeling great. But feeling great.

Work. Act. Other shit. 3 months of this.

I should get an agent. Fucking DUI...

Kids in the Hall

2008-10-18T16:38:00.001-07:00

Last night I stayed with my mother at the Hilton on Kearny st. After seeing the show, she took my brother to the hotel and I went out with friends to see a late night showing of "W." - which was fantastic.

I got a ride over to the hotel after and was dropped off. I thought to myself as I got out of the car - oh ya! This is where I met the Kids in the Hall. When I worked SF Sketchfest, I drove over to this hotel and picked up Mark McKinney's girlfriend and the rest of the kids rode in the van in front of us. We dropped them off late that night too.

When I got into the hotel, I took the elevator up to the 18th floor. There's a guy just standing outside one of the rooms completely naked with a beer in his hand. I ask him for a beer and he's inaudible. And I go into my room.

Kids in the Hall / Kid in the Hall

Little 'Curb' Moment

2008-10-15T23:35:00.000-07:00

So that Rachael-haircut sporting judge from jury duty turned out to be my judge for my DUI "hearing."

I mean, I got to plead no contest (aka guilty) and accept my punishment, but the whole time, she was smiling at me, enjoying me. It was a pretty cool coincidence, and fun to have been remembered. Hopefully I don't see her again any time soon though maybe I'll take her out sometime.. Remember, no ring.

Anyway, glad I didn't say I was racist or something to get out of jury duty...

Sidenote: Paying $75 a month for 21 months to pay off my wrong-doing. And taking 3 months of anti-DUI classes. So I'm in SF for at least another 3 months.. Maybe I'll start planning to leave.

1:11pm - October 14, 2008

2008-10-14T13:22:00.000-07:00

Driving home from work with Ben. I said I'd take Jason to Costco with us. Ben asks, shouldn't we take the roommates first? Ya, but I said I'd take Jason. Let's also call the roommates. Oh, and we might go to McDonalds (part of our pact to win $100,000).

Seeing double, hearing muffled, blowing noses - gonna do a sleep write

2008-10-14T00:31:00.001-07:00

interntes is saying it's a big deal. I just think I'm high.

They say when it happens to take a break. But if I'm not doing anything, what do they want me to take a break from? (See, just high!)

Also, I'm playing with the way I intake sound through my ears. Right now things sound muffled but every now and then everything seems loud, or echoed sometimes. Sometimes though, I wake up with plugged ears all day.

Oddest side effect is when I don't think I sound like myself.

Whatever IT is, it gets stuck in my ears, I think. Eventually, I'm able to push it to my nose, and then my nose is stuffed and I blow my nose literally all day. It's weird to think about where all this snot COMES from!

So I apparently shouldn't focus on seeing double - I should take a break if that happens - and when I do, I notice the muffled intake of sound in my ears. And I don't sound like myself when I talk. But eventually it feels better when the congestion centers itself in my nose. Because blowing my nose feels right. And Colbert doesn't sound all echo-y. And ultimately, it encourages me to just go to sleep. But I'm going to sleep still thinking I'm not hearing completely correct. Just let me get that on record.

What?? Holy Shit!

2008-10-13T23:41:00.000-07:00

Seeing double out of one eye?

Morbidly Obese Women in Customer Service

2008-10-12T03:24:00.001-07:00

if they work with a smile on their face, they can only be deemed Jolly.

Dream: SNL house

2008-10-11T12:56:00.000-07:00

I had a dream about living in the SNL house. All the performers lived together in a house - very reality tv. They'd sit around a big table to read the scripts and in between garner ideas living together and being funny together. The only people I recognized in the dream: Keenan Thompson and the girl from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. People just took turns reading different scenes; everyone had a packet of the scenes and they'd just go around and around. All the other performers had had the scripts the last few days at least to look at. I was entering fresh. Cold reading and trying to make a good impression. Somehow I'd been recommended and was in for an audition of sorts.

At first I was trying to hard. I was up on a stool while everyone was at the table and I felt uncomfortable. I was in a bad auto-pilot. I wasn't present. And I was having to do a Pallin impression. In my dream I was able to get myself to "focus!" and felt myself waking up. But in waking up, I was able to stay in the dream and ultimately becoming a better comedian. I was able to act natural, BE natural, have fun, be funny. I started connecting with the other actors.

I was waking up though.

Then I remembered I was supposed to be at an audition for a youtube sketch comedy thing. Damnit!

Pallin? Brolin?

2008-10-09T23:41:00.000-07:00

Sarah Pallin - Republican Vice Presidential candidate
Josh Brolin - portraying President George W. Bush in the coming Oliver Stone movie 'W.'

COINCIDENCE???!???!?

Cuntraction

2008-10-09T23:37:00.000-07:00

Keenan Thompson slipped "penis" into his bit on SNL. He turned "repeat as necessary" into "repenis necessary." I caught him, caught his little smile hahahaha! I'm pretty happy with SNL again.

Jury Duty

2008-10-09T17:34:00.000-07:00

Blonde stenographer. Short skirt, long legs. Good thing I wasn't selected.

Judge, Italian. Or Jewish. Same thing. Attractive, active, no ring. Kind, motherly, desperate. Still sporting the Rachel haircut.

The bailiff ripe and round. Could have played Slughorn in Harry Potter. Hits on the big breasted liaison named Gina (she's SUCH a Gina).

Twin purple blouses stand before the judge. One for the state of California. The other representing a lick-haired muscle man with tattoos and a sunburned face. Triple H with a haircut and an arrest for drinking and driving. His attorney reeking of bitch forces smiles behind frowns, the clear villain defending the presumed innocent on a case of POTENTIAL breathalyzer malfunction. Red hair, tightly wound, skin stretched like a drum over her green-goblin cheeks. California's representative cuter, dearer, with a voice meant for public radio. I'd definitely do any of women mentioned.

Sitting among strangers, waiting to be politely thanked and excused. Everyone here is oddly familiar, and not just because I was here yesterday. George Takei replaces Slughorn.

4th to last person called - the last male. Jury already sworn in yet still answering questions about my personal life. Don't get too personal. Got a DUI two months ago and so did the muscle man with tats. Politely thanked and excused.

60 people called in; only 16 eligible to sit on this DUI case. Every story shared. Personal stories. Tears shed. Secrets told at the bar. Politely thanked and excused.

I can't believe jury selection isn't on reality TV.

Live music

2008-10-08T23:12:00.000-07:00

I won tickets to see Santana perform on Saturday but I can't go. I'd like to have given the tickets to Alex Bender my roommate but he will be camping with my fraternal alma mater. It would be to return Bender's gift to me of Flogging Molly tickets. Haven't seen Flogging Molly perform before, but heard a great story last night about a guy who saw them on a half empty football field. I wanted to see them at the oyster festival a couple years ago but didn't manage that one. I did manage to make it to the Hardly Strictly Music Festival though last weekend. Saw MC Hammer perform a benefit show for a bunch of students Friday morning. It was unbelievable. Unfrotunately, the adults were fenced away from the stage and the main viewing area to keep us away from the aluring tiny-bodies of the elementary schoolers. We'd jump or knock down the fences without fear of arrest as a pervert. But the show was awesome. Hilarious. And awesome. Made it back Sunday and listened (couldn't see) Elvis Costello, Iron and Wine, and Gogol Bordello.

Golden Gate Park is an incredible place for music. It's where Flogging Molly played at that oyster festival. Just over a month ago I was there to see Radiohead, Tom Petty, Jack Johnson (headliners), but really Cake, Beck, M. Ward, Nellie McKay, Stars, Andrew Bird, Broken Social Scene, The Cool Kids, and Wilco. Fucking Rad.

I love that there's so much music in the park day to day and that the place can also host huge events like this. (Sidenote: The bluegrass festival is just one billionare sponsoring the whole event; that's ridiculous! I would like to take that man out to lunch.) I like that I got to see local bands playing their music at the festival too, not on stage but on the streets etc.

Last night there was a band playing upstairs at the bar I went to. Someone who's been known to play with the band came down on his way out and recommended we give the band a peek. I was the only one who went, but got to see the band; the guitarist played his guitar, the percussionist shook her beaded goard, someone spun or played keyboard or both, and two people painted a canvas in the back.

I got distracted in the writing of this to email a guy from improv everywhere about my idea for a flash mob. I'll write about that tomorrow.

11:11

2008-10-08T01:14:00.000-07:00

I'm going to start keeping track of the times I catch 11:11; when it happens and what's going on when I catch it.

Didn't catch it tonight.

-------------------------------------

Yesterday, I lost sight of Magic, and imagined 'dead dog.' It was tragic. So I took him out on a walk. I'm pretty sure dogs can read minds. I'm also pretty sure humans can read minds and that there's a whole plane of consciousness that exists solely in instinct. And that's what I mean by dogs can read minds.

The MOST lucid dream

2008-10-05T12:15:00.000-07:00

Trying to sleep last night, my mind fluctuated between two distinct noises that I tried to listen to and follow into dream land.

I couldn't sleep, so I tried to focus only on one thing. First it was the song 'Livin la Vida Loca' by Ricky Martin. It's a song from the show I'm in, Tony n' Tina's Wedding. Some might call it focusing my chi, or meditating. Sometimes, I could get the music to sound very loud. Like I was present in the music. But there were so many distractions.

When my music was loud, I felt heavier. My body was more tangible. My face more focussed. Which is why it was so easy to be distracted by more cartoony images and a sound of whistling. It was a bearded man in a blue suit and a small-brimmed straw hat. He was just walking along with a stupid grin on his face. When I at one point became fully immersed in THAT world, my ears popped, my face felt like it unclenched itself somehow, it was like slipping into something, compared to when I was TRYING to listen to Livin la Vida Loca! Eventually I couldn't pick just one of them to follow and I felt very torn between them. My body was shaking and I literally felt like my brain was chosing sides.

Ultimately, I woke myself back up.

I tried going back to sleep. I had my eyes closed and was facing the wall when I heard a very loud 3 to 4 SNIFFS. Like my dog was right in my ear. I jerked up and looked at the door which wsa creaking and felt very scared. I thought how reasonable it would be to actually be asleep and in a dream. I don't typically feel scared in my own room. I thought about ghost stories people have told me and how reasonable it would be that they were actually just asleep dreaming the whole thing. MEANWHILE I was still freaking out, because ultimately, I thought I was awake. And every time I looked at the door, I more than half expected something scary to come through it. I could actually see waves of imagination leaking through the half-open door. I tried fruitlessly to find a comfortable position to go to sleep but stopped myself. I had to put significance to the fact that I was actually not awake. If I was actually asleep and in a dream, what would going to sleep IN the dream mean? Waking up and not actually waking up?? I had to see if I was actually in a dream. Was stuff making sense? Yeah, I was in my room. Then I looked at the Copacabana shawl/sheet on my wall. It was fucking TRIPPY! It's already trippy, but in dream land, FUUUUUUUUCK. So I WAS actually asleep! For fear of the dream becoming a nightmare, I tried to wake myself up. I felt for the wall. At first it didn't feel like anything, but then I could feel the cold of it. I knocked loudly on it to see if anyone was around to wake me up and I heard more shuffling outside. I tried yelling for a roommate. Heard his voice and opened my eyes. I was awake now and facing my wall. Ben was outside so I got up and told him about the dream.

Wish I'd let myself explore dreamland, but like I said, I THOUGHT I was awake. And the "awake" ME in my dream was afraid of monsters.

Terrible actors in commercials

2008-10-04T23:45:00.000-07:00

There's a lot of them.

Batman 3: a dream

2008-09-30T14:53:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamed a semi sort of plot to Batman 3:

I was part of a reception crew for a very old tomb holding a very old mummy which carried with it a very old strain of plague that caused one to trip fucking balls. As possessor of the tomb, I was first in contact along with my roommates who found themselves hooked on the substance and trying to get me to do it again and again. I couldn't help but have some sort of contact with it consistently, but tried as much as I could not to. The first time was so intense I couldn't remember anything that had happened to me in the night, but I'd apparently caused quite a ruckus. Trying to retrace my steps in the morning, I found myself next to a Batman poster and realized that I'd been Batman this whole time. The potion had caused Batman to lose his memories and he now had to put all the pieces together to find out who he is. But what clues is he following?*

Meanwhile the roommates were becoming more and more hooked on this drug and eventually became comatose. The plague, which looked like magical dust (coincidentally, the Scarecrow's scare-dust can be traced all the way back to this ancient plague dust) started spreading very rapidly. Cut to J.K. Simmons in an office saying "IT'S OUT OF CONTROL!" People all over Gotham are losing their minds and The plague reaches a pivotal point where it begins to infect a certain plant and I know this because my roommate carries the plant around with him all the time, trying to stuff it in my face.

Meanwhile, the ancient Mummy is attacking the city. It seems Raj Al-ghoul had one final trick up his sleeve. And where is the Batman?? He's been trying to fight crime and discover his past at the same time. But his perception of the world is all fucked up. The clues he's been following have been set up by none other than THE RIDDLER!

The entire city of Gotham is put on lockdown. No one gets in or out. As ordered by JK Simmons, to preserve the outside world. The Riddler is in prime position to take over the town and perhaps the world.

The Riddler lets out a wicked laugh, and begs, "Riddle me this..." And I woke up when I couldn't think of a riddle, realized I was dreaming, tried again to think of one and found myself in my bed.

Alas.

Shana Tova

2008-09-29T11:12:00.000-07:00

It's a new year (jewishly). Maybe I'll be more jewishly this go around.

COULD you?

2008-09-27T15:34:00.000-07:00

build a house out of 2,000 McDonald apple pies?

Dream come true

2008-09-02T00:43:00.000-07:00

A couple months ago, maybe a little less, I had a dream that I went to a mansion party. It was a swanky shindig and you needed some stuff as a "ticket" in. I think it was booze, a pineapple, and a can of tomato soup. I was with people, but don't remember who. We went to the store, which was pretty ransacked - I guess everyone was going to the mansion party. The mansion had an elevator and the party was on one floor of the mansion. When we got there, it turned out it was a Teatro Zinzani party and I think I ended up spitting game at the host and going into her room that was covered in cool scarves and sheets etc. I don't remember how the dream ended.

So when my roommate asks me this morning if I want to go to a swanky mansion party, I didn't hesitate an instant. Apparently at Ryan's work yesterday, a girl came in to buy tarp and a sprinkler to make a slip-n-slide, and invited Ryan to the party. And when we got there, to this 4 story mansion, it turned out to be a Teatro Zinzani party. The walls of the top floor was covered in cool scarves and sheets etc. I didn't spit game at anybody because it was a little awkward being there. Well, at least a little more awkward than it should have been. Then Micah the photographer we met smoked us out and Ryan shared a joint. Then my friend Sara Gerstel shows up, we say hi, then goodbye, and we went to the beach.

Before we left, Ryan ran into Safeway to buy boozes, and he said the place looked particularly ransacked...

Even though I dreamed it before it happened, I didn't have deja vu being there, though a couple people were familiar. Actually, one person recognized me from Sara's going away shindig in Dolores Park. I mean, really bizarre turn of events. Though I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

Stroke The Club

2008-04-21T11:57:00.000-07:00

Deep impact

2008-03-31T11:34:00.000-07:00

I only end up writing in this thing when I think I've got something to say. Usually, it's the formulation of ideas in my head that I don't want to forget, so I just start pounding away at the keyboard, trying to make sense of things as I go.

I don't talk about my day very often. And very often, my day is very fun.

In fact, I go weeks with fun days. And that's why there's all these breaks between posts.

I don't feel any obligation to write in this thing. I probably should just keep to putting my notes on paper.

The internet saved a LOT of paper.

Who am I writing this to?

I realized that I end up having a thing for vegetarians more often than I ever expected.

I'm quitting smoking for April. I'll break it for the 20th.

All told, I'm owed over 1,200 dollars.

---
Here's a question: has earth ever had this kind of body mass:land ratio? The only other time I could imagine would be dinosaurs - and they were wiped out.

I don't think it's inconceivable that the world as we know it could end in 2012. Seriously, where are we going? As a race, what the hell do humans think we can achieve beyond the next 5 years...

First of all, there's the whole asteroid thing. Apparently there's one coming. Apparently it'll be here around 2012.

Then there's that reverse polarization thing. That could mean nothing, but it could also throw anything off. Butterfly effect, you know?

Expect fires to go up and down the west coast from the end of 2011 through however long it takes to put them out ... Oh, there's also a fault line there. And an ocean. Apparently we're due for a tidal wave?

Hell, lay all natural disasters on us. Tornadoes, hurricanes, tsunamis, blizzards. These happen year round, why not at the same time?

Give us major political change. People rallying behind false prophets. People fighting over it. Killing over it. And isn't there still a war going on in Iraq?

What more is there for us to achieve? Smaller shit, nano-technology. Bigger shit, weapons of mass destruction. Smaller shit to cause bigger shit. And meanwhile, the best scientists are converting their efforts to stop hair loss and make our penises bigger. Welcome to Costco; I love you.

Where are we going as a race if not toward dramatic change? And how the fuck are we supposed to convey any message to the South who believes in the power of Jesus and money, but not anything else. Oh well - they want their Apocalypse. I want my Aquarius.
---

Shower time. Work time.

I love what I do, but it's becoming somewhat of an "another day, another dollar" type of thing.

I barely got to notice my spring break. Then again, that's what happens when you work and only have one class in school.

How do you get weeks off from work?

The internet still sucks. New habits are still difficult to form.

Ooh, bills suck too. Money really, really sucks.

Friends are incredible. Food is delicious. Time is measurable, which is lame.

Oh, here was my yesterday.

Woke up, drove to fisherman's wharf to have breakfast with my mom and our friend (old neighbor) Valerie at the hotel, drove them to Oakland airport for a 10:30 flight, came home, indulged myself, watched the new episode of South Park (featuring allusions to the movie Heavy Metal - which we had literally watched again in this house less than a week ago), walked to the convenient store on the corner for a sandwich, snacks and some orange juice, came home, psychedelically indulged myself, watched The Ten, walked around my backyard, watched Ratatouille, went to a brief fraternity meeting, came home, indulged myself with Adam's new collection of ziplocks, won a game of beer pong with Robin (Adam's boy from home) against the Kings, started to watch Boogaloo then won another game of BP with the same teams, fell asleep to Boogaloo, and went to bed.